Reality vs. Bush (Round 1)

Confused by all of this talk about missing explosives in Iraq? Hey, who can blame you? All of those acronyms - HMX, IAEA, IED, UN, USA, DMX - can get mixed up and Iraq is just so far away. You know it's next to Iran, but that's about it.

So here's a handy chart comparing each facet of this story, the reality-based version and the version that exists only inside the Bush White House. (By the way, I'm doing this all of the top of my head, so if I mix up HMX and REX, save your corrections for talk radio.)

ITEM: 380 tons of highly explosive materiel has been stolen from a cache in Iraq. Expert say 1 pound of this stuff is enough to bring down a jet. 380 tons is 760,000 pounds. That's...well, you get the idea.
REALITY: Before Hussein was dropped, the IAEA had secured this materiel as part of the sanctioned inspections. Some would say this alone is proof that sanctions were working. It is now missing and likely in the hands of terrorists.
BUSH: This proves that Hussein wanted to arm terrorists.

ITEM: After Iraq was overtaken by US forces, our soldiers simply didn't have the manpower to inspect each and every one of these numerous weapons caches in Iraq. Furthermore, it wasn't part of their orders.
REALITY: Many experts - including Gen. Eric Shinseki - said that 300,000-400,000 troops would be needed to secure the peace in Iraq following the war.
BUSH: Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz declared Shinseki's prediction "wildly off the mark." Donald Rumseld continues to believe a lighter fighting force is best. Bush and associates thought we'd be greeted with candy and flowers, making the securing of sensitive sites unnessary.

ITEM: HMX and some of the other materiel are nearly perfect for constructing a small nuclear bomb. Not only are they pliable, they're strong and sturdy, meaning that they won't detonate if accidentally dropped. Additionally, they don't show up on X-rays or luggage scans.
REALITY: Only a small amount of HMX is required to detonate a small nuke.
BUSH: Although just a week earlier Dick Cheney was reminding us all that terrorists would LOVE to set off a nuke in an American city, this week Cheney is helpfully pointing out that hey, we've secured 400,000 tons of explosives in Iraq besides this, and that's pretty good!

ITEM: Kerry is using the missing explosives as yet another example of the Bush's administration misplanning, poor execution and general lack of thought.
REALITY: This materiel was secure thanks to UN inspections. The US invaded. Now it's missing.
BUSH: Sort of a two-parter here. 1) Kerry shouldn't be denigrating the troops by mentioning this stuff! - G.W. Bush 2) You can't blame Bush for this. Really, it's the troops' fault for not inspecting the places closely enough. - GOP shill Rudy Guiliani. (Expect that to be his last public appearance pre-11/2.)

ITEM: Poor planning and a basic lack of understanding of the realities on the ground created this situation.
REALITY: Yes.
BUSH: After an NBC News report said maybe the explosives were missing before the US invasion (probably not the case, though), Bush said that somebody who jumps to conclusions without knowing the facts isn't fit to be Commander in Chief. No, seriously, he actually said it. Maybe he gets different reports on Iraq than we do. Because, you know, we read the news occasionally.

So there you go. The facts vs. Bush. You decide!

Punny!

Hayley has shared a little election-related humor with me this week.

"Did you know that November 2 is also National Abstinence Day? Yeah, no Bush and no Dick!"

"Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is voting for Bush this year? Apparently, the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth."

ZING!

Hayley Schore, ladies and gentlemen!

Ugh.

Tough choice

I can't decide whether I would rather watch Christmas With The Krunks or get hit square in the nuts with a hot cast iron skillet.

Maybe if I didn't have to pay to see it.

Although you have to admire Tim Allen's ability to turn a mediocre, 5 minute stand up bit into a really shitty 20 year career. Better than slingin' dem rocks, biyatch!

Holy hell!

I can't decide which is more ridiculous. Athlete wives that do nothing except have fancy lunches, or athlete wives that use their husband's bankrolls to finance an acting career/designing career/cookie baking company.

But I know for a fact that the most ridiculous thing an athlete's wife has ever done is parlaying a quote from Abraham Lincoln into a pitch for ugly denim jackets.

"You are as happy as you decide to be." - Abraham Lincoln
"I have to decided to be happy! As a matter of fact I've gone Jacket Happy!" - Debbie Clemens

By the way, while we're comparing philosophers, Lincoln can claim the Gettysburg Address, the Emancipation Proclamation, the Lincoln-Douglas debates and holding together a fractured young nation. On the other hand, Debbie Clemens glued rhinestones onto an Astros hat. So let's call it a draw for now. And frankly, her triple jumping for joy does in fact indicate that she is quite Jacket Happy.

Now, perhaps you're of a school that thinks affixing patches and other shit to denim jackets and baseball hats takes creativity and a terrific design eye. If so, you probably live in Texas. Or else you're actually Debbie Clemens.

I really wish Houston could've made it to the World Series this year, if only so some sportswriter could've exposed debbieclemens.com as one of our nation's true treasures. Not just for the jackets, but for the sensible life advice. For instance, did you know you can eat whatever you want as long as you work out? I had no idea! At least, not until Debbie told me! And it's a good plan to stick to, just in case Sports Illustrated ever wants you for a photo shoot with your jock husband. Empower yourselves, ladies!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start maximizing my life by hot glue gunning glitter to hockey pucks.

Voat Bush!

Throughout most of the spring and summer, I walked around thinking, "Man, Bush supporters are really, really dumb. I mean, why don't they understand all of the things that he's done wrong in his tenure? It's so completely obvious." But then I sort of corrected my tack, not wanting to become a shrill Berkeley type, making equally ridiculous statement about Bush and his faults.

Trying to be a good, sensible person given to intelligent thought, I said, "Well, I certainly disagree with them, but it's much too simple to just assume they're dumb. They must have good reasons for supporting Bush's re-election."

But no, they're dumb. As that independent study shows, the clear majority of Bush voters are completely misinformed on current issues, both foreign and domestic. Whether it's still believing that Iraq had WMD despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, or thinking Bush is popular throughout the world when he actually runs behind Bin Laden in many popularity polls, Bush supporters are basically wrong about all of the issues we face today. Hell, a majority actually believe Bush wants to sign the Kyoto treaty! First off, I can't believe people who think that even know what the Kyoto treaty is. Second off, I have no idea what they think is holding Bush back from signing it. Maybe they feel al Qaeda supports it as well and Bush is standing up to them. You know how terrorists hate climate change.

Of course, since true Bush fans would rather trust the words of a 2,000 year old book written by illiterate fisherman than actual scientific proof, I doubt this survey will have much effect. I think maybe I'll pass out stickers on November 2nd that read, "I voted for Bush! (Because I don't know any better)"

Insider's perspective

I was chatting with Kyle about my newly-hatched scheme. The IM trail looks a little like this.

Krogmann04: so have you heard about my campaign to break up dave and connie?
acapriccio: yep. it's fucking gold
Krogmann04: i seriously think it might work
acapriccio: i agree
acapriccio: once that seed is planted...
Krogmann04: they both have to think they can do better.
Krogmann04: especially if i can get connie seriously considering it.

If only I put my powers to work on developing alternate fuel sources. But one thing at a time, people.

Progress

The following conversation took place this morning.

ME - "So did you tell Connie about my nefarious scheming? What did she think?"

DAVE - "She didn't think it was very funny."

ME - "Man, you can't date a girl with no sense of humor! You're Dave!"

DAVE - "I know. I really have some thinking to do."

It's working!

Relationship Troubles

I have taken it upon myself to decide that it's time for Dave and Connie to break up. I've only been around them once, but I've read a few blog postings and I think the time is right to shake things up. Basically, I'm just exerting a force to stop the mindless inertia of this relationship. This succinct pros and cons list only validates my claim.

PROS

• It would be hilarious
• Dave doesn't want to get married and have kids
• The world doesn't want Dave to have kids
• Dave's poor motor skills drag down Connie's dart game
• The idea of a drunken Dave angrily trying to pick bar chicks merits its own reality show
• The Buckle could finally move in. On either one of them.
• Connie would no longer have to deal with goatee burn on her thighs
• The race to see who could do better first - with proper handicapping (Connie: -6.5 months) - would be thrilling.

CONS

• TBD

Los Grande C

Rolling around the parking garage on the way to lunch, Dave observed the little bench the 4-5 valet guys get to sit on during their 8-hour subterreanean shift. Then we had the following conversation:

M - "Those poor guys are all going to have cancer someday."

D - "Nah, they'll have something even worse than cancer."

M - "Mexican cancer?"

Wow

You really just have to admire the balls on the GOP sometimes. Sure, maybe they're getting desperate, but it's more likely that they're just completely shameless.

After a weak of Bush pounding Kerry for using "shameless scare tactics" in mentioning a possible draft and privatization of Social Security (something that Bush actually said he's for), Cheney comes out today and says it's fine to vote for Kerry...as long as you don't mind being incinerated by a nuclear bomb as you walk downtown.

Sure, Al Qaeda has no way of launching a tactical nuclear strike from a donkey, and most experts say the the biggest problem from a suitcase nuke attack is people panicking and not actual nuclear fallout, but just keep Cheney's wise words in mind when you head to polls on November 2.

If you make it there alive, that is!

Crossing the line!

I flipped on Blue Collar Comedy TV or whatever it's called last night because I seem to be unable to resist it. Something about bad comedy just always sucks me in. So the fellers are sitting on a deck like...well, like a bunch of rednecks sitting on a deck drinking beer. Then they start talking about decks.

"I tell you what, Bill, you sure got a nice deck here."
"Yeah, it's a real strong deck. Solid."
"Yup. My wife hates my little deck. Hates to look at it."
"So you're saying you got a tiny deck?"

And at this point, the audience is absolutely dying with laughter. Like this is the greatest thing they've ever heard. I'm just sitting there, baffled.

"You got some discoloration on your deck?"
"Yeah, on the underside."

Then they start talking to their black friend. Which, you know, most rednecks have.

"Hey, is it true that you guys have really big decks?"

Then they start talking about hot dogs, and you can all see where that's going. And if not, just remember that hot dogs are sometimes called weiners.

The audience is still cracking up. And I still don't get it. I mean, what's so funny about decks? Oh. Wait. "Decks" sounds like "dicks"! So every one of those jokes was a double entendre! Like it's four guys complimenting each other on their dicks! Genius!

I just got that.

Perfect timing

While shopping for various items last night, I saw this month's Reader's Digest in the checkout line. And what's in the top left corner? A little photo of Christopher Reeve. Oh, they must have put out a quick tribute, I thought. Nope.

Turns out, they ran a feature on Christopher Reeve this month about what a brave, courageous hero he is for...uh...I guess not killing himself after he fell off a horse. And how amazing he's been in the last 10 years since the accident. The title of the article? "Going the Distance." Ouch. Meta-irony can be painful at times.

Sphere of influence

Look at the amazing power I wield!

I said it, then she said it!

Boycott everything!

Driving to work today, I saw a van sporting a Bush/Cheney '04 bumper sticker and a Boycott France bumper sticker.

Now, I know how GOP voters will parrot party line in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, or despite how little sense the party line actually makes. The GOP releases a talking point, and pretty soon every righty is passionately arguing for it, no matter what it is. In fact, it reminds me of Triumph of the Will a little bit.

But maybe it's time for them to back off this whole Boycott France thing. Considering that, oh, you know, the Duelfer report basically proved France's contention that Iraq didn't have any WMD. And that, you know, France was dead on about Iraq and Bush was completely wrong about it. You know, maybe considering those facts righties should start guzzling Chateau Neuf de Pape with abandon.

Umm...thumbs...sideways?

Being a bit of a history buff, particularly l'histoire World War II, I Netflixed Triumph of the Will to see what it was all about. Well, it was basically two hours of soaring imagery and Hitler and friends screaming about how strong Germany will be, and how important it is to fall into complete conformity to the wishes of the state.

The messages were all pretty ridiculous, but then again, I haven't spent the last 20 years of my life living in humiliating poverty and national impotence thanks to the Treaty of Versailles. So I'm not really looking for a guy to yell at me about creating a powerful Germany once again.

But the real question I'm struggling with right now is, what the hell kind of star rating do I give this documentary when Netflix gets it back? It's not poorly made, so 1 star is kinda harsh. Although I can't give it 5 stars just because of soaring imagery. That'd be like giving Independence Day 5 stars, Plus, I don't want the FBI showing up to my place. "So, you like the Nazzies, do ya? Why don't you come talk to us about your movie choices?"

I have The Original Kings of Comedy coming next. I think I'll give that same rating I give Triumph just to keep people off my back.

My personal thanks

I'd like to offer my thanks to the millions and millions and millions of people who DID NOT go see Raise Your Voice this weekend. After watching this shitfest limp to a $4.6 million opening weekend, perhaps we're on our way to finally eliminating the bubbly scourge that is Hilary Duff.

Perhaps now movie execs will finally realize that casting a girl who can't sing and can't act in a movie about a girl who wants to be a singer isn't a recipe for success. But, you know, maybe they should try it once more with Ashlee Simpson just to make sure. Because maybe that movie would've worked with an ugly chick in it.

Waaaaait. Whaaaaaaat?

It seems that three dudes that went to high school with Richard Linklater are now suing him for basing some characters in Dazed and Confused on them.

That's all well and good, of course, and I would definitely sue if I ever saw Ben Affleck representing me on screen, but this movie came out in 1993! I can only imagine omebody approaching the real life Wooderson at least once a week and saying, "Man, I keep getting older and they stay the same age!" And he would just look up from a haze of weed smoke and laugh and say "What?"

Finally, I guess after the 5,000th party where Wooderson sat on a couch and somebody joyously said, "Hey, watch the leather, man. Hooo!" Wood popped in the VHS and had an epiphany. "Hey, that's me, mannnnn! Awww, this suuuuuucks. This is what people think of me? Harsh."

Off-roading to hell

This morning on the way to work, I pulled up behind a big, black H2 at a light. (The visual hilarity of my Mini Cooper S idling behind and sorta under an H2 is for another day.)

So this giant compensator is tricked out with chrome brake light panels and two 4-inch wide chrome exhaust pipes. I imagine if this guy nailed the pedal, I would've been shrouded in a smokescreen. But the most amazing accessory he had was hanging from his rearview. A blue HANDICAP PARKING PLACARD!

Forget the question of how somebody who needs handicapped parking even climbs into an H2, I want to know when having a small cock became a certified handicap. I hope this guy falls out of his H2 one night after driving home wasted and actually become paralyzed.

Kravitz on Kravitz

I'm in Las Vegas last week and we decide to pop into Le Gap at Caesars because you know the Vegas Gap is a million times better than the hometown Gap. Totally! Anyway, as I'm shopping for plain, sensible clothing, I hear the opening riff to "Do You Wanna Go My Way?" A fine song, and one I enjoyed when it first came out. Then Lenny went pop, man!

Anyway, the riff blasts and I'm getting ready to sing along when the tune suddenly shifts gears into Lenny's new song, "Lady." And the Gap TVs start running that ad with Sarah Jessica Seabiscuit dancing around. Dancing, incidentally, that makes Madonna look coordinated.

The song played ten more times before I left the store, with the same riff starting off "Lady" each time, so it was no fluke. So, apparently, Lenny Kravitz is so creatively tapped after five years he's resorted to sampling himself. Or maybe this is a new branding strategy for inoffensive, corporate rock. Just put that opening riff on every new song so people immediately know it's a Lenny.

A little early maybe

British magazine (or Britrag, if you will) Empire just released a poll on the sexiest Hollywood stars of all-time. Of...all...time!!!!

So who got top billing? Marilyn Monroe? Sophia Loren? James Dean, if that's your side of the fence? How about Keira Knightley? Keira Knightley! Sure, she's hot, but she's only been in like two movies! I know most "All-time" polls tend to be skewed toward the present day, but aren't getting just a touch ahead of ourselves here? Hell, I don't even know if Keira is the hottest star right now.

Rounding out the top ten are Angelina Jolie, Orlando Bloom, Halle Berry, Johnny Depp, Marilyn Monroe, Jennifer Connolly(!!!!!!), Hugh Jackman, Scarlett Johansson and Uma Thurman. I have a feeling if this poll came out in 1988, the top 5 would've been Sheila E., Tom Cruise, the chick from The Bangles, Mark Harmon and Paula Abdul.

Fucking Brits. Why don't just they release a new poll announcing 3:42:13pm on October 6th, 2004 the Greatest Second of All Time?

Brand New! With Extra Cynicism!

Watching TV tonight, I saw an ad for this fall's hot new product. Babies!

Apparently, Johnson & Johnson is so desperate to sell more No More Tears shampoo and baby powder, that they're now selling reproduction like it was a new car. They trumpet the strong emotional bond between a parent and child as something that MUST be experienced then at the end, slide in, "Oh, and you'll need a buncha J&J product for that little miracle." I mean, I can't even imagine how this brand strategy came about.

"Thompson! Numbers for Q4 are down! We need to rebrand!"

"Umm...what if we encourage people to reproduce and create more consumers?"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute. What about overpopulation? Or a family who can't afford another mouth being drawn in by the ad? I mean, yeah, Coors encourages football parties to sell more beer but, you know, this seems awfully cynical to me. Pitching the good aspects of babies just to increase sales?"

"Look, do you want to move product, or do you want to fuck around?"

To hammer the cynical message home even further, the ads direct you to baby.com! They're selling human babies! They should at least counteract the message by pointing out that having 2 many baby isn't always that great.

Surviving Late October

Spots are now running for the Affleck/Gandolfini insta-classic, Surviving Christmas. Apparently, rich Ben Affleck wants to spend Christmas in his childhood home because...well, I don't know why. I assume he lost his way while chasing that cheddar. I further assume that he's an advertising executive, since that job title has become movie shorthand for "Rich jerk."

Now, you might be saying that this flick's biggest problem is that the best comedy they could find for the trailer consists of Affleck getting Gandolfini to wear a Santa hat against his wishes and then somebody says, "Nice hat." Personally, I think this movie's biggest problem is that it's being released on...OCTOBER 22ND! A Christmas movie coming out more than a week before Halloween!

I guess they're releasing it so early because they fear the titanic comedy power of a Tim Allen Christmas movie. Why not just release it on Memorial Day weekend and get an eight month jumpstart on the holiday season?

Really more of a letter book

I recently came across this pocket-sized book called Unforgettable: Images That Changed Our Lives. It's basically a collection of famous photographs and such throughout history. Except...it doesn't have any images in it!

Apparently, the central tenet of this book is that some images are so powerful that the mere mention of them is enough to stoke our emotions. So the book is about 100 blank white pages with little titles at the bottom. "Space Shuttle Challenger Explodes." "Marilyn Monroe Stands On Sidewalk Grate." "Mona Lisa."

"Reading" this book is like talking to a prententious art student on the subway. And it couldn't have cost more than 38 cents to create! What a beautiful scam. Come to think of it, I'm changing this blog into a discussion of famous movie scenes. Please send me $1 before you continue reading.

"Michael Corleone consolidates his power."
"Indiana Jones runs from a giant boulder."
"Luke Skywalker battles Darth Vader before the Emporer."

See? I'm a genius too!

Jumping the gun

E! is showing a True Hollywood Story today on...Tara Reid! I mean, isn't this about 30 years too early? Why not wait two weeks and see if she's dead first?

What is this episode going to even cover? The time she got wasted after American Pie came out? Or the time she got drunk last night? Or maybe the time she got blitzed with Paris Hilton in Las Vegas. You really need 60 minutes to sum up her life?

Um...uh...uh oh

I'm watching the first debate and, like usual, when he has to think on his feet, Bush resembles a high school senior giving a book report on a title he hasn't read. "So...uh...you know, Great Expectations is about this guy and...um...he has these, uh, great...expectations. I really liked it." Just brutal to watch. This guy has control of the button to launch nukes!

Just imagine a scenario when Condi and Rumsfeld rush into the Oval Office and say, "Mr. President! Terrorists got two more planes and are heading toward Washington! We need your orders in the next thirty seconds! Should we shoot them down?"

"Um...well, you know, we should...I'm the leader and I'll make a decision. And...uh...you know...flip flops and...uh...let's...why don't we..."

Simply amazing.