Famous People I Know

Hey sportsfans. Bumpers here. I’m trying not to type too loudly this morning. My head feels as if it was smashed in a car door. Repeatedly. Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Long night last night. I’ll tell ya what, Dustin Diamond is a good time waiting to happen. He’s the talented little scamp that played Screech on that show Saved by the Whatever, and let me tell you, he’s that funny in real life too.

Dustin and I were out at one of those trendy hotspots on Sunset here in Hollywood. We ran into Rhea Perlman, who was making out in a corner with Anthony Michael Hall. Aw hell, wait a minute, I wasn’t supposed to mention that because she’s married. Forget I said anything about it. Damn this spinning head of mine. I guess I could back up and erase that, but I just want to get this thing over with.

So me, Dustin, Rhea and Tony Hall are elbow deep in a pitcher of Bud Ice when somebody says "Let’s go bowling, Showman!" We hit the Hollywood Lanes on Santa Monica, and the celebrity sightings didn’t stop there. We ran into C. Thomas Howell. Apparently, he got himself a job as a pin monkey. And just between you and The Showman, this kid has really let himself go.

Well, one beer led to another, and the next thing I know, I’m making out with Rhea. We stopped the smooching because it was my turn to bowl. So I stand up, look to the side, and there’s Emilio Estevez, Gheorge Muresan and Picabo Street bowling in the lane next to us. I don’t know how the hell those three hooked up, but they looked to be having the time of their lives. And I’ll tell you what else, that eight-foot guy is a damn fine bowler.

I don’t remember the scores, or really anything else about last night, but I do know I woke up at the bowling alley this morning face down in the gutter. It was the first time I woke up in a bowling alley, but not the first time I woke up in a gutter. The morning janitor, Pedro Perez, nudged me awake with his lane waxer and sent me on my way.

So that’s what I did last night. I know this column is supposed to be about sports and all, but let’s be honest, Tony Mike Hall did a fantastic job in Johnny Be Good. Very believable.
Keep the faith, sportsfans. Hopefully I’ll have something good to say tomorrow.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman