Ever Been Traded For A Chimp? Try To Avoid It.

Greetings, sportsfans! The Showman here. Lots of news swirling around the sports world today. Lots of news swirling around The Showman’s world too, but they don’t pay me to talk about myself.

I see that Keyshawn Johnson is getting around $63 million to play football in Tampa. In my best year, I only netted $75,000. Man, how times have changed. If I were still on top today, I’d be making enough money to buy Canada. I should’ve bought it when it was on sale back in 1958. But my manager told me it would only go down in value. Who knew spring water could prove to be so profitable?

I think the Keyshawn trade is great for both parties. The Bucs get a big star for their offense, and the Jets get to control the first round. You know, The Showman’s made a few deals in his lifetime. I remember one time I did a command performance for Jack Kennedy at the White House. After the show, JFK and I were a little into our cups, and we worked out a deal. I would give him two gold records, my manager’s pet chinchilla Rex and two months in my beach house for one of Jackie’s pearl necklaces and three Secret Service agents. Needless to say, we nixed the deal the next morning after we sobered up, but I really could’ve used those G-men on my next tour.

Then there was time Bobby Darin and I almost swapped wives. Man, that was a bad scene.
Of course, the most degrading trade I’ve ever been involved in came toward the twilight of my career. My record label, Columbia, traded me to a small independent label in Missouri for an organ grinder’s chimp. Let me tell you people, when you find out you’ve been traded for a monkey, you might as well break out the Dewar’s. Because you have some long, sad days in front of you.

Anyways, it seems like Tampa Bay and Washington are having a little battle to see who can buy the Super Bowl first. But they’re forgetting one little thing. Chemistry. If you don’t think chemistry is important, go rent Blown Away. The dynamic bond between Corey Haim and Corey Feldman saved what could have been a disastrous picture.

So to sum up today’s article, chemistry is good and people make trades. And being traded for a dancing chimp in a bellhop’s uniform really makes you question your place in the world.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman