The dollar bill is trying to tell me something!

It's saying, "Don't waste me and nine of my pals on another shitty Nicholas Cage movie."

A realization

Over the past five or six years, I had suspected that I was part of the minority in this country. Yesterday, I was slapped dead in the face with the confirmation. I am indeed part of the minority population that is rational, thinking and informed about reality. And on top of that, I'm part of the secular subset minority of that even. The rest of the country makes gut decisions early on and sticks to their guns no matter how much information or facts they're presented with. Mainly because the mostly ignore or discount those dissonant facts. You may shocked to find out that most of this latter group is religious.

So now our once sensible nation is being run by religious fundamentalists. A president who believes in creationism. Yes, he believes that God was able to create the entire universe with sheer will, but then needed a day off because he was so tuckered out. An Attorney General who believes people can speak in tongues when touched by God. A plethora of administration folks who side with Israel to facilitate the return of Jesus. People who actually believes that once Israel controls the Holy Land again, Jesus will descend from the skies and kick off the End Days. A representative from Oklahoma - Tom Coburn - who believes abortion doctors should get the death penalty. A representative from Kentucky - Jim Bunning - who has openly demonstrated signs of dementia or Alzheimer's over the past month. Of course, considering that GOP voters only watch FOX News, and Brit Hume isn't fond of pointing the shortcomings of Republican politicians, they may not be aware of these problems.

And, whether you like it or not, Bush and company did indeed receive a mandate to run the country their way yesterday. When you receive that many popular and also increase your seats in Congress, there's no other way to spin it. A majority of the country wants more religion in our lives. Then again, so does bin Laden. You say potato, I say Dark Ages nightmare.

The truth is, more than half of this country makes their decisions without any proof whatsoever, then holds firm. Of course, that might partially explain why Ben Affleck is still considered a movie star. Frankly, the only things that can possibly win their hearts and minds is actual life experience. To that end, I'm hoping that all the red staters that voted for Bush lose their jobs and their healthcare and then get sick. I hope their teenage daughters get pregnant and can't get a now-illegal abortion and they have another mouth they can't afford to feed. It'll be okay, though, because a federally-funded religious charity will give them a free turkey on Thanksgiving. I hope the self-regulating oil industry begins drilling in your backyard and pollutes your air, and I hope the coal industry blasts a mountain in your part of the state and sends millions of tons of slags into the streams that supply your drinking water. In other words, I hope you get just what you voted for.

Cynical? Dark? Sure. But I don't really give a fuck anymore. I don't have time to worry about other people. I'm too busy previewing churches in preparation for Congress' Mandatory Church Attendance Act of 2005.

But...

Now that we've all come to this realization, where does it leave us? Sure, we could make predictions like, "Certain books might be outlawed" or "America will become two entirely separate nations" or "We'll continue to lose jobs" or "I think this means Jeff Foxworthy will be popular for at least another four years." Me, I'm looking at the silver lining. And here are the few positives I think will come out of the next two GOP-dominated years. (VERY optimistically hoping for Democratic advancements in the midterm elections.)

• The DNC will be totally obliterated. Thank God Daschle lost, because he's been useless the last few years. Hopefully Terry McAuliffe will be next to go. And hopefully Bob Shrum will never work on a presidential campaign again. He hasn't won one yet, so maybe people will figure it out.
• The DNC will also realize that the GOP has been absolutely handing them their nuts since about '97. The GOP has controlled the message and tone in this country since at least the Lewinsky affair. Maybe now the DNC will finally catch on and fight back by co-opted the GOP move of extreme message discipline. GOP talking points trickle down from the White House to the TV pundits to the blogs. Pretty soon, everybody is thinking Kerry is a flip-flopper. It works EVERY time, and guys like McAuliffe and Shrum have yet to catch on. Or at least figured out how to fight back against. Joe Lockhart has it down pretty good. Put him in charge of the DNC from now on.
• The religious right will finally be exposed. This group has fought for power for 20 years now. Now that they've finally got it, maybe moderate folks will realize just what they stand for. (Hint: It's not total freedom for citizens.) Average folks are completely unaware of just how extreme their views are. If we're lucky, stem cell advancements in California will expose a lot.
• Democrats will have the courage to fight back against the religious right. Pointing out the ridiculousness of not believing in evolution, among other issues. And openly court fiscal Republicans by pointing out that Democrats are the ones who balance the budget and grow the economy.
• Liberals will finally an echo chamber to rival the right's. Blogs that can actually question the mainstream media and push uncovered stories into the forefront. A liberal answer to FOX News that actually gets off the ground and presents opposing viewpoints to what the mainstream citizens get.
• The next Democratic presidential candidate doesn't cow to GOP charge of class war and just comes right out and says, "Look, we're not overruling abortion. It's not happening. The GOP just uses that as a wedge issue to steal your votes. We're the party that is actually concerned about your welfare, not simply manipulating you."

The Democratic party is at its lowest point. Only by hitting the reset button and finally realizing what they're up against in this country can they be effective again. And if this isn't the wakeup call the DNC needs, you'd better start memorizing the Ten Commandments. Don't worry, you'll have plenty of chances to study them any time you enter a federal building.

For the record...

Dave's new nickname is Goat. The Baron and I decided that today.

And there's no way Connie can stay with a man whose nickname is Goat. It's all coming together!

I Voted!

After voting to put Bush on ice this morning (and seeing reality TV legend Toni Ferrari at my polling place), I started thinking about how one could sum up the four years of the Bush regime. You know, if one day a grandkid or something is learning about it in history class and says, "Hey Grandpa, you were around for Bush II. Could you upload your thoughts on his presidency to my hand PC using this mindmeld firewire 3X?"

Of course, my main thought is that the Bush administration continually and consistently fucked up every single thing they touched. It was almost like watching a movie where Pauly Shore was the stepbrother of some respected scientist, and every time Pauly dropped by for a visit, he accidentally destroyed his stepbrother's lab. "Hey bro, what's in this beaker?" "Be very careful! That's ammonium..." "Paulllllyyyy!"

But I think the following two examples - one foreign, one domestic - neatly sum up just how BushCo used ideology and complete ineptness to bungle everything they tried. Let's tackle the simple one first.

THE EPA - For some reason, a few folks thought Bush would be a good steward of the land. I guess they ignored Bush's tenure as governor, when he passed scores of pro-business environmental regs and Houston blew past LA to become the most polluted city in the country. Appointing Gale Norton, a former energy industry lobbyist, to Secretary of the Interior was a terrific start for business. But it only got better. In short time, Bush appointed former energy industry executives and lobbyists to EVERY SINGLE branch of the EPA. I suppose he thinks a former timber company executive is the perfect person to head the forestry department of the EPA. Hey, who knows more about trees than a guy who chops them down for a living? Others might think, you know, a scientist would be good there, but they're crazy! These EPA appointments are a perfectly disturbing example of Bush putting his pro-business ideology (ironic enough, since he never ran a successful business) ahead of all other concerns at all times, no matter the cost.

ABU MUSAB al-ZARQAWI - If you don't know who Zarqawi is, he's the guy responsible for the terrorist insurgency and multiple beheadings in Iraq at the moment. Just a really terrific person. But hey, how is that Bush's fault? Well, in the run-up to the Iraq invasion in 2002, US intelligence was aware of a weapons lab and a terrorist training camp in northern Iraq that was being run by Zarqawi. Northern Iraq is mostly lawless and untied to Baghdad and Hussein. Of course, that didn't stop Bush, Wolfowitz, Cheney and the rest from loudly declaring that Hussein was harboring terrorists and that's part of why we needed to invade Iraq. But then the US caught what should been an intelligence break and the Pentagon drew up a plan to launch missile attacks that would destroy the weapons lab, training camp and possibly kill Zarqawi. But the White House killed it. Months later, a second strike was planned and also killed by the White House. Why would Bush and Cheney shoot down a plan that could've killed a terrorist mastermind? Because they needed the camp in place for Colin Powell's presentation to the UN. In other words, if they destroyed the camp and killed Zarqawi, they would lose a possible rationale for invading Iraq and deposing Hussein. Naturally, when the US later attacked Iraq, Zarqawi escaped, only to return later and orchestrate these insurgent attacks. He's credited as responsible for over 700 deaths at this point. And what's more, he's aligned himself with bin Laden - a former rival - in order to defeat Bush and the US! So, not only did BushCo let a terrorist run free so they could attack Iraq like they planned all along, they actually strengthened his radical association! Nice work.

And those are the two examples of ineptness that I think really perfectly sum up the disaster that was the Bush administration. I say was, because today's record vote turnout is making him a thing of the past. And thank fucking God for that.

Vote GOD. Oh, I mean GOP.

Remember citizens, tomorrow is your chance to honor Jesus with your vote. It's more important than ever to vote because the only way we can defeat the religious terrorists is to remove the evil secular element from American society. For your information, I've assembled Jesus' position on a variety of political platforms, all taken directly from the Bible.

- Man should take full advantage of nature. This includes drilling for oil in Alaska. God the Father put the oil there for a reason. Ours is not to question why.

- Jesus loves the poor, so it's okay to cut welfare and Head Start school programs. Jesus will make it up to them in the afterlife. Besides, poor people are lazy.

- Jesus chased the moneychangers out of the temples. This is why religious organizations should remain tax-exempt.

- Even though he advocated turning the other cheek, Jesus only meant this in your interpersonal relations. He fully endorses the Bush doctrine of preemptive war. Witness Jesus' support of the Roman invasion of Carpathia in Corinthians 1.

- Jesus belives that life begins at conception. Considering that he was immaculately conceived without sex, he's an authority on this matter.

- Jesus does not support government healthcare. He feels that private enterprise and free trade can solve this problem.

As you may know, friends, George W. Bush and the Republicans are aligned with Jesus on all of these issues, so if you truly love Jesus, it's almost a sin to vote Democratic. Even if you lose your job and then can't afford private sector healthcare, Jesus will be there for you. If you get sick and die, he will be the first to welcome you into Heaven. And even better, if your teenage daughter is forced to take a part-time job at Little Caesars to aid in the family's finances and she becomes pregnant by a coworker, President Bush will assure that she can never get an abortion. Remember that Jesus will provide for your miracle baby.

Jesus Loves Me!

It seems that gullibility runs in the family. Former teen chunkthrob Candace Cameron Bure has accepted the miracle of Jesus Christ into her life. So why can't you? Hell, she was even able to get a Russian to buy into Jesus. You know how hard that is?

And I think it's safe to say that Jesus appreciates irony, because the main spot to buy Candace's KREW DVD is at overstock.com. Hard to believe Blockbuster bought too many copies of a straight to video flick about a former CIA operative (former at age 24!) who teaches kids all about safety.

"Okay, kids, remember that if a stranger offers you a candy bar if you get in his car, pull the pin out of your watch and jab it his neck. Then run away and find a helpful police officer."

And I would've paid large sums of money to overhear Candace's conversation with the Olsens at the premiere of New York Minute.

CANDACE - "Ashley, Mary Kate, I'm so glad you're here. Listen, I've seen some of the stuff they're saying about you in the papers, and I wanted to know if you'd accepted Jesus Christ into your life yet."
MARY KATE - "No, but we're"
ASHLEY - "totally thinking about it."
CANDACE - "That's awesome. I should give you this book my brother Kirk gave me and Tracey Gold. It's explains how our sins hurt Jesus, but he loves us anyway and..."
And at this point, Mary Kate starts telepathically talking to Ashley.
MK - "What the fuck is wrong with this bitch?"
ASH - "I dunno. Who cares? You have any cigarettes left?"

What's lost in all of this is what ever happened to Jodie Sweetin? I hope she's okay. And altough I semi-correctly predicted the Olsens would be hot 10 years ago, I really dropped the ball on Kimmy.

We're Here! We're Queer! Give us a Kit Kat!

Once again, West Hollywood held their annual Halloween street parade. Although straight people are indeed welcome to eat spicy sausage hoagies and kettle corn as the walk the streets, this day is really for the homsexuals. If you like seeing naked man ass as a costume, this is the day for you. Frankly, I don't think going as a leatherman should count as a gay man's costume. It's like somebody in Georgia going as a redneck. But in fairness, some dress up as women. And some get much more inventive than that. I'm apathy! I'm TiVo!

A great time was had by all last night, again proving my theory: Halloween is gay Christmas.

Vote GOD. Oh, I mean GOP.

Remember citizens, tomorrow is your chance to honor Jesus with your vote. It's more important than ever to vote because the only way we can defeat the religious terrorists is to remove the evil secular element from American society. For your information, I've assembled Jesus' position on a variety of political platforms, all taken directly from the Bible.

- Man should take full advantage of nature. This includes drilling for oil in Alaska. God the Father put the oil there for a reason. Ours is not to question why.
- Jesus loves the poor, so it's okay to cut welfare and Head Start school programs. Jesus will make it up to them in the afterlife. Besides, poor people are lazy.
- Jesus chased the moneychangers out of the temples. This is why religious organizations should remain tax-exempt.
- Even though he advocated turning the other cheek, Jesus only meant this in your interpersonal relations. He fully endorses the Bush doctrine of preemptive war. Witness Jesus' support of the Roman invasion of Carpathia in Corinthians 1.
- Jesus belives that life begins at conception. Considering that he was immaculately conceived without sex, he's an authority on this matter.
- Jesus does not support government healthcare. He feels that private enterprise and free trade can solve this problem.

As you may know, friends, George W. Bush and the Republicans are aligned with Jesus on all of these issues, so if you truly love Jesus, it's almost a sin to vote Democratic. Even if you lose your job and then can't afford private sector healthcare, Jesus will be there for you. If you get sick and die, he will be the first to welcome you into Heaven. And even better, if your teenage daughter is forced to take a part-time job at Little Caesars to aid in the family's finances and she becomes pregnant by a coworker, President Bush will assure that she can never get an abortion. Remember that Jesus will provide for your miracle baby.

Wait around! STAT!

We took a fun little unplanned trip to the emergency room Sunday around 2:30am. The wife is having some side effects from her migraine medicine. While I was sitting around for hours, between arriving and leaving at 8:00am, I made the following observations:

• Cedars Sinai sure has a lot of benefactors. While sitting in the Ruth and Harry Roman Emergency Department, I saw signs for the Marcia Israel Trauma Center, the S. Mark Taper Foundation Pediatric Care Center and Anita and Robert Silverstein Reception Center. This is like the NASCAR of hospitals. Naturally, when roaming the halls later, I noticed that every single room is sponsored as well. The Judy and Ron Hammerstein Room 12 Room. Shouldn't the state of California be paying for all of this?
• When you're sitting in the emergency room at 3am the night before Halloween, every time the front doors open, you're thinking, "Oh no. I don't want to see what this is."
• Two guys and a girl just walked in. The girl has a dog bite on her lip. I don't think this was part of her costume. One of the guys is wearing an orange LA County Jail jumpsuit. This may cause some confusion later.
• The magazine selection here is stellar, assuming you were marooned on a desert island for a year before visiting. "Oh good! The March issues of ESPN: The Magazine. Now I can see how the NCAA tourney turned out."
• The old guy in the corner is either in the mob or the record industry. Possibly both. He's now regaling a 20-something guy with his stories about Frank and Dean. The younger guy wants to know if Peter Lawford was a dumbass or what. Eventually, another old guy comes out with a bandaged hand. The mob exec suggests "They get the fuck out of here and go get something to eat."
• The dog bite trio is shaping up to be fun. The guy in the jumpsuit is completely wasted and making an ass of himself. The sober friend, meanwhile, is starting to offer a suspicious amount of comfort to the drunk guy's canine-wounded girlfriend. This relationship is going to get really interesting in about three weeks.
• The dog bite girl just asked her boyfriend for some ice. When he got up to get it, he got distracted by the security guards and started chatting them up. Eventually, the girl got her own ice. The sober friend is looking better all the time.
• Drunk guy isn't too drunk to notice his friend giving a suspicious amount of comfort to his girl. He loudly asks his friend why he's got to fuck up his first good relationship.
• I had to get validated so parking would only cost $3.50. I'd really like to see the Jane and Thomas Henderson Foundation Parking Fund.

Vote GOD. Oh, I mean GOP.

Remember citizens, tomorrow is your chance to honor Jesus with your vote. It's more important than ever to vote because the only way we can defeat the religious terrorists is to remove the evil secular element from American society. For your information, I've assembled Jesus' position on a variety of political platforms, all taken directly from the Bible.

• Man should take full advantage of nature. This includes drilling for oil in Alaska. God the Father put the oil there for a reason. Ours is not to question why.
• Jesus loves the poor, so it's okay to cut welfare and Head Start school programs. Jesus will make it up to them in the afterlife. Besides, poor people are lazy.
• Jesus chased the moneychangers out of the temples. This is why religious organizations should remain tax-exempt.
• Even though he advocated turning the other cheek, Jesus only meant this in your interpersonal relations. He fully endorses the Bush doctrine of preemptive war. Witness Jesus' support of the Roman invasion of Carpathia in Corinthians 1.
• Jesus belives that life begins at conception. Considering that he was immaculately conceived without sex, he's an authority on this matter.
• Jesus does not support government healthcare. He feels that private enterprise and free trade can solve this problem.

As you may know, friends, George W. Bush and the Republicans are aligned with Jesus on all of these issues, so if you truly love Jesus, it's almost a sin to vote Democratic. Even if you lose your job and then can't afford private sector healthcare, Jesus will be there for you. If you get sick and die, he will be the first to welcome you into Heaven. And even better, if your teenage daughter is forced to take a part-time job at Little Caesars to aid in the family's finances and she becomes pregnant by a coworker, President Bush will assure that she can never get an abortion. Remember that Jesus will provide for your miracle baby.