Merry Retail, everybody!

Out shopping for the wife, I had a few enjoyable moments. The first came in a packed Tiffany's, where people were so desperate to buy jewelery and baubles that they were lining a glass counter like it was a bar in a crowded nightclub. I was waiting for somebody to start holding out a $100 bill like they were trying to flag down a bartender. Of course, that was nowhere near as good as the guy whose girlfriend pointed out something shiny that caught her eye. The guy asked a salesgal where the nearest Bank of America was, then he asked his girlfriend/wife/mistress if she wanted the jewelry or just the cash instead. (She wanted the jewelry.)

But they couldn't compete with my favorite couple, a guy who looked like he was in a wild band in the '80s and suffered both a drug-induced stroke and crippled ankle on a particularly awesome tour. Plus he had an overbite like Kermit and stringy hair that looked like you could pull off easier than a Post-It note. Naturally, he was with a hot, 20-something Asian chick who seemed to be picking out everything for her stocking.

Having made a sensible, classy purchase, I moved onto Pottery Barn looking for...well, I don't know what actually. As soon as I walked in, I passed a sales associate something a customer something nice for her husband. Then the woman asked, "Do you have anything a little more manly man than that?" I first waited for the associate to show her either a silver tin that is perfect for holding your Red Man chewing tobacco, or a pewter magazine rack that showcases old Playboys. Instead, the associate directed her to a leather journal.

Awesome

During the presidential campaign, President/God's soldier George W. repeatedly said he was against legalizing importing cheaper prescription drugs from Canada. He said we could never be sure that the drugs actually came from Canada and not some Third World country trying to make a buck. And George W. Bush will never risk the health of Americans! Unless they're in the military or living near a coal mine or factory. But he definitely won't risk our health on potentially fake drugs!

Except now we've learned that the common prescription drugs Vioxx, Celebrex and Aleve all greatly increase users risk of heart problems or attacks. And these drugs, of course, we're rushed through the FDA approval process and given an NIH endorsement thanks to political lobbying, donations and drug companies basically paying off NIH executives to tout their drugs.

Meanwhile, way up in Canada, they're not having any of these problems. I guess because their country isn't controlled by business-loving Republicans.

Aww man

I had a supreme douche moment on Saturday driving back from Christmas shopping. Heading down Melrose, home of the hot shopping chick, I was stopped and casually observing a semi-hot shopping chick walking down the sidewalk on my street of the street.

Suddenly, somebody in a car on other side of the street looks at this chick and goes "Whooooo!" So she looks in the direction of the noise and sees me staring right at her. And she shook her head in shame, like she's never been more disappointed in her life. After a few seconds, I realized that she thought I was the aggressive Italian.

Damn.

Unintelligent people for intelligent design (UPID)

It seems that sensible, logical folks want to have creationism - sorry, "Intelligent Design" - taught in schools in Kansas, Pennsylvania and assumedly everywhere else in the universe. You know, because evolution is only a "theory". Surprisingly, these science lovers are sorta confused about what a theory is in scientific parlance. It's just a hypothesis that's regarded to be true, yet hasn't been solidly proven into a law. Gravity is a law. Evolution is a theory. Believe who interpret the Bible literally are morons is a hypothesis. I haven't run the actual tests on that one yet.

Anyway, after adopting my new "I don't care" attitude after Bush's re-election, I honestly don't give a fuck if kids in Kansas and Pennsylvania don't learn until college that evolution is pretty likely. Shit, I don't care if they ever learn it and always believe the Earth is 6,000 years old like the Bible says. It'll be worth it to see the confusion on their faces when a Grand Canyon park ranger explains that the rock layers at the top of the canyon are millions of years old.

But I just want one of these creationists to explain a few holes in their logic to me.

- So, this God of yours has always existed and one day was bored and decided to create the entire universe out of sheer will?

- You're telling me an omnipotent being could create the entire Milky Way in only six days, but that was so exhausting, he needed Sunday off? Superman doesn't get tired, but God does? I guess it can be tiring to throw your hands in the air, say "Whooosh!" and create the oceans.

- Speaking of which, we base our days on one full revolution of the Earth. So...I guess God did the same? "Hmm. I want to create land, but I think I'll wait until that one part spins around to me again."

- God, being bored once again - why not create a great novel, O Lord? - decides to create man. God, in all of his wise omniscience, doesn't realize that Adam will get bored by himself, with only God to talk to. I guess God doesn't have much foresight. God would be a terrible party planner. "Dang. I thought 6 salmon puffs would be enough. Too bad my son isn't here. He could make some more."

- God, in all of his wise omniscience, thinks Adam will be entertained enough by the animals. Creatures that he can't fuck or talk to. Once again, I guess God doesn't have much foresight. He fucking CREATED Adam - loading up his gentials with nerve endings, mind you - and yet he doesn't know what he wants? Hell, my mom can predict my thoughts better than that, and I moved out 6 years ago.

- Finally, God realizes he needs to create a human companion to Adam. Not because he's omniscient, but because ADAM ASKED FOR IT! "Oh, yeah. Hmm. That's a good idea. I should have thought of that myself!" I guess creating male and female birds wasn't enough to tip him off to the idea of a female human. So God, who CREATED THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE OUT OF PURE FUCKING WILL, needs to borrow a rib from Adam to create Eve. "Hmm. Seems that I'm out of human clay. I guess I could create more simply by thinking about it, but I think I'll rip Adam's rib out of his flesh. You know, so they have something to talk about."

- Of course, none of this explains why God would create Saturn to be completely gaseous and uninhabitable or make Pluto a frozen rock deep in sapce. Maybe those were just practice. Or maybe it's that lack of foresight again. Shit, I bet if God only created the Earth and focused on that, we'd have a four day week with Thursdays off. Or maybe, you know, THE BIBLE CAN'T BE FUCKING INTERPRETED LITERALLY!

What's most beautiful is that a group that promotes teaching Intelligent Design in school hasn't lost a step over that 18,000 year Indonesian midget archeologists found recently. Sure, the little guy is 12,000 years older than the Bible claims the Earth, but let's not worry about that, the little guy was a hunter! Which shows that evolution isn't likely. Because...uh...later humans hunted too. And also because we have midgets in today's world too. Sounds good to me! Dickheads.

You think you have balls?

You don't have balls! Bernard Kerik has balls! And compared to Bernard Kerik, you're prepubescent. In the flurry of Bernard Kerik - whose main qualification apparently was that he was from New York - being rejected as Homeland Security Chief, some interesting details have come to life. Details proving that this guy has massive balls and you have have two jujubees!

So when you have a sack like Bernard Kerik, you don't just have an extramarital affair, you have an extramarital affair with one of the stars of New York's literary set. And not just any star of the New York literary set, you have an affair with Judith Regan, who makes her living...publishing celebrity tell all books!

And you don't just bang Judith Regan in some normal Manhattan apartment while your wife makes dinner back in Jersey, you bang Judith Regan in an apartment that you bought right after 9/11 because of its proximity to Ground Zero. But not one within walking distance, one where the bedroom window...OVERLOOKS THE SMOLDERING PIT THAT USED TO BE THE WORLD TRADE CENTER!

That, my good friend, is huge fucking balls.

I would give ANY amount of money to have witnessed Bernard turning off his cell phone so his wife didn't call, fucking Judith Regan, then getting up and - still nude with a half chub - rubbing his sweaty bald head, looking out on the smoky remains and say, "Goddamn fucking Muslims. No fucking decency, that's what's wrong with those people."

Celebrity spokesmen

Using celebrities in product advertisements in a time-honored tradition. Ordinary, ugly folks want to be like famous, beautiful folks and if that means buying the same brand of soda, so be it.

But with the explosion of commercial air time, products we can waste our disposable income on and the ever-loosening definition of "celebrity", we're starting to see confusing things. Mainly, the sorta celebrity endorsement.

Take the Right Guard cool spray commercial featuring Xhibit and some cracker jumping out of an airplane. The first time I saw this spot I thought, "Hey, Busta Rhymes got an haircut." And the second time I saw it I thought, "Wait, who the fuck is this guy?" Nowadays when theyrun this ad, a helpful little graphic points to Xhibit and shows his name, Xhibit. But that raises a bit of a question. Obviously Right Guard started worrying that not enough people knew Xhibit, so they needed to identify him. But if that's the case, why hire him at all? And now that you've identified him, what does that do? Do you think people out there will think, "This fella is named Xhibit. I don't know who he is or what he does, but if he likes Right Guard, so do I!" And, of course, the 15 people in America that could actually be persuaded by Xhibit to buy aerosol deodorant don't need his name tag. So really, what does this accomplish? Tell me, O mighty gods of Rigth Guard marketing!

But despite the fact that he needs a nametag, Xhibit might still be bigger than Frank from the Ball Park franks commercials. Here's what we know about the character of Frank: he's fat, he voted for Bush twice, he likes meat, his wife is mostly unsastified in bed. But here's the really interesting thing about Frank: he's played by the co-star of According to Jim. Now, usually when you have a character in a series of ads, it's played by some no name actor. But Larry Joe Campbell has maintained such anonymice by starring on an abysmal show, he can still pull off unknown actor for these commercials. And if that's not a sorta celebrity endorsement, I don't know what is.

Then again, both of these ads are better than the Kay Jewlers spot where the most Jewish-looking guy on the face of the Earth asks his girlfriend is she believe in Santa Claus, then pulls out a ringbox while smirking, "He told me to give you this." I don't know if Kay was going for meta-irony with this commercial or if they think this guy can pull off "Italian," but watching a WWII politcal cartoon character give a blond chick a Christmas gift always brightens my holidays.