Unintelligent people for intelligent design (UPID)

It seems that sensible, logical folks want to have creationism - sorry, "Intelligent Design" - taught in schools in Kansas, Pennsylvania and assumedly everywhere else in the universe. You know, because evolution is only a "theory". Surprisingly, these science lovers are sorta confused about what a theory is in scientific parlance. It's just a hypothesis that's regarded to be true, yet hasn't been solidly proven into a law. Gravity is a law. Evolution is a theory. Believe who interpret the Bible literally are morons is a hypothesis. I haven't run the actual tests on that one yet.

Anyway, after adopting my new "I don't care" attitude after Bush's re-election, I honestly don't give a fuck if kids in Kansas and Pennsylvania don't learn until college that evolution is pretty likely. Shit, I don't care if they ever learn it and always believe the Earth is 6,000 years old like the Bible says. It'll be worth it to see the confusion on their faces when a Grand Canyon park ranger explains that the rock layers at the top of the canyon are millions of years old.

But I just want one of these creationists to explain a few holes in their logic to me.

- So, this God of yours has always existed and one day was bored and decided to create the entire universe out of sheer will?

- You're telling me an omnipotent being could create the entire Milky Way in only six days, but that was so exhausting, he needed Sunday off? Superman doesn't get tired, but God does? I guess it can be tiring to throw your hands in the air, say "Whooosh!" and create the oceans.

- Speaking of which, we base our days on one full revolution of the Earth. So...I guess God did the same? "Hmm. I want to create land, but I think I'll wait until that one part spins around to me again."

- God, being bored once again - why not create a great novel, O Lord? - decides to create man. God, in all of his wise omniscience, doesn't realize that Adam will get bored by himself, with only God to talk to. I guess God doesn't have much foresight. God would be a terrible party planner. "Dang. I thought 6 salmon puffs would be enough. Too bad my son isn't here. He could make some more."

- God, in all of his wise omniscience, thinks Adam will be entertained enough by the animals. Creatures that he can't fuck or talk to. Once again, I guess God doesn't have much foresight. He fucking CREATED Adam - loading up his gentials with nerve endings, mind you - and yet he doesn't know what he wants? Hell, my mom can predict my thoughts better than that, and I moved out 6 years ago.

- Finally, God realizes he needs to create a human companion to Adam. Not because he's omniscient, but because ADAM ASKED FOR IT! "Oh, yeah. Hmm. That's a good idea. I should have thought of that myself!" I guess creating male and female birds wasn't enough to tip him off to the idea of a female human. So God, who CREATED THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE OUT OF PURE FUCKING WILL, needs to borrow a rib from Adam to create Eve. "Hmm. Seems that I'm out of human clay. I guess I could create more simply by thinking about it, but I think I'll rip Adam's rib out of his flesh. You know, so they have something to talk about."

- Of course, none of this explains why God would create Saturn to be completely gaseous and uninhabitable or make Pluto a frozen rock deep in sapce. Maybe those were just practice. Or maybe it's that lack of foresight again. Shit, I bet if God only created the Earth and focused on that, we'd have a four day week with Thursdays off. Or maybe, you know, THE BIBLE CAN'T BE FUCKING INTERPRETED LITERALLY!

What's most beautiful is that a group that promotes teaching Intelligent Design in school hasn't lost a step over that 18,000 year Indonesian midget archeologists found recently. Sure, the little guy is 12,000 years older than the Bible claims the Earth, but let's not worry about that, the little guy was a hunter! Which shows that evolution isn't likely. Because...uh...later humans hunted too. And also because we have midgets in today's world too. Sounds good to me! Dickheads.