Merry Retail, everybody!

Out shopping for the wife, I had a few enjoyable moments. The first came in a packed Tiffany's, where people were so desperate to buy jewelery and baubles that they were lining a glass counter like it was a bar in a crowded nightclub. I was waiting for somebody to start holding out a $100 bill like they were trying to flag down a bartender. Of course, that was nowhere near as good as the guy whose girlfriend pointed out something shiny that caught her eye. The guy asked a salesgal where the nearest Bank of America was, then he asked his girlfriend/wife/mistress if she wanted the jewelry or just the cash instead. (She wanted the jewelry.)

But they couldn't compete with my favorite couple, a guy who looked like he was in a wild band in the '80s and suffered both a drug-induced stroke and crippled ankle on a particularly awesome tour. Plus he had an overbite like Kermit and stringy hair that looked like you could pull off easier than a Post-It note. Naturally, he was with a hot, 20-something Asian chick who seemed to be picking out everything for her stocking.

Having made a sensible, classy purchase, I moved onto Pottery Barn looking for...well, I don't know what actually. As soon as I walked in, I passed a sales associate something a customer something nice for her husband. Then the woman asked, "Do you have anything a little more manly man than that?" I first waited for the associate to show her either a silver tin that is perfect for holding your Red Man chewing tobacco, or a pewter magazine rack that showcases old Playboys. Instead, the associate directed her to a leather journal.