My Man Puppet Regimes

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. I don’t know how things are going for you right now, but life is pretty sweet over here at Rancho de Bumpers. I’m feeling damn happy about my triumphant comeback and my fans are even more pleased, as they should be. Heck, I have assistants to do all of my dirty work, celebs asking me to do lunch every other day and a standing Thursday morning tee time at Riviera with James Woods, James Caan and James Brolin. And you know what? It feels good.

So I sit here on my patio looking across my plush and perfectly manicured lawn gazing at Madonna’s pad and holding out hope that the pale bird will change her stance on making love to The Showman. But enough about that. I have some things I need to finally let out in the open. You see, throughout my life I’ve been secretly running operations with different front men in charge. I know my bio says that I disappeared from ’64 to ’99, but throughout the ‘80s I was simply hiding under the cover of sneakiness and pulling the levers for various organizations throughout the world. And I’ve finally decided to let you cats in on a few details about my puppet regimes.

Jell-o
If you’re like most Americans, you probably think that Bill Cosby is calling the shots for Jell-o. Well, the truth is, I started making the decisions in 1982. That’s right. America’s favorite dessert is run by The Showman. When Jell-o needed a spokesman to remind the country of its many offerings, I knew I needed somebody who had earned the trust of the American public. When Ron Reagan, Jr. wouldn’t commit, I called in the Cos. I handed the reins of Jell-o over to RJR Nabisco in 1989 after a disastrous experiment with bourbon-flavored Jell-o. I thought it tasted great, but America didn’t much go for the idea of drunken pre-schoolers.

Oakland Raiders
Sports fans everywhere point the finger at Al Davis for moving the Raiders from Oakland to Los Angeles, and then back to Oakland. In truth, that move had The Showman’s fingerprints all over it. I became a big fan of the Raiders in the ‘70s because I liked they way they gouged people’s eyes. But I couldn’t stand commuting between L.A. and the Bay each Sunday for home games. So I moved the team to L.A. After a few good years, the Raiders started playing some lousy football, and I got sick of them. So I moved them back to Oakland. I’m still pretty upset about their poor performance, and that’s why to this day I refuse to allow an NFL team in Los Angeles.

North Vietnam
After the fall of Saigon, the Reds handed control of North Vietnam over to Bumpers, Inc. I haven’t paid much attention to the place since they gave it to me, but I told them to go capitalist in 1981. Maybe I should follow up on that to see what’s going on over there. Ah, I’m sure everything’s okay.

Michael Jordan
One of my life-long goals was to win an NBA championship. But since the NBA isn’t keen on 5’10" white guys that can’t shoot, I needed somebody that had tremendous athletic ability, and was also willing to let me pull the strings. Enter Michael Jordan. With me calling the shots and Jordan carrying out the duties, we were a perfect match. After three successive championships, I had enough trophies cluttering up my rec room and decided to hang it up. MJ wanted to prove that he didn’t need me, so he took a shot at baseball. After a couple of years in the minors, he got bored and gave me a call. It took some cajoling, but I decided I could use some more championships. I can still remember the last time we worked together. I said, "Hey you! Pull up at the free throw line and get this thing over with!" He listened well, and I took home my sixth and final trophy.

That’s just scratching the surface, folks. If you’ve lived in this country for more than five years, chances are you’ve been affected by one of The Showman’s decisions without even realizing it. And that’s the way I like it.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman