I Occasionally Have Superhuman Strength

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. What a beautiful day it is. I’m sitting in a little villa on Catalina, enjoying a short stack of pancakes and a pedicure. It’s so weird to look at this lady working on my feet as I sit writing and eating. I wonder what she does when she’s not working. Does she give herself pedicures to stay on top of her game? Is she in love? Will an extra $20 get me anywhere?

Say, I have to apologize for my cranky attitude yesterday. It’s just that I read another article on these dotcom kids and all the green they’re making. I started thinking that maybe The Showman is missing out by only having one stock option. But I soon realized that the good people here at SportsPage.com are giving me a second shot. And hell, I still get a residual check every time Eggs For Breakfast, Eggs For Dinner runs on late night cable. That should keep me going for a while.

So enough about that nonsense. I have some serious stuff to talk about. You know how you hear about people getting incredible strength from adrenaline in times of crisis, like a car crash? Well, I’m here to tell you it’s true.

Much to my surprise, Dom DeLuise stopped by the villa last night for dinner. I thought he had brought his long-lost twin, but it turned out to be Paul Prudhomme. Paul whipped us up a traditional Sudanese feast for dinner. Afterwards, I realized why those cats are so thin – the food was crap. But Prudhomme had to show off that he can cook more than burgers and franks. I don’t know what was worse: the main course of grass and egg shells, or the jokes DeLuise kept firing at us. See, I didn’t mind Paul stopping by, but DeLuise? I just don’t know. The only fun thing is to keep asking Dom what it’s like to be French, because that really sets him off.

Anyway, we were well into our fifth after-dinner drink when things got a little weird. You should know that for being such big guys, that really can’t hold their hooch. And before I knew it, they were swaying like a Massachusetts Democrat, drunk off their fat arses. Now, don’t ask me why, but we decided it was time to try some reckless stunts.

See, Dom has always said that if he falls off the celebrity radar, he would make an Evel Knievel-type comeback to get the world’s attention. Basically, he’s been flirting with the idea since Cannonball Run. As for Prudhomme, he’ll go along with anything after a big meal. We decided a good stunt would be for them jump over my pool in my golf cart. To increase the drama, I duct-taped them to the cart.

So there they were, fifty feet from the pool and strapped into the cart like two chubby mummies. I fired a starting gun into the air, and Dom punched it. Of course, golf carts aren’t particularly fast to begin with, and when they’re bearing 700 pounds of cargo, it hardly moves. You would think Dom would have been bright enough to hit the brakes when he realized they didn’t have enough speed, but he really misses the limelight.

The cart barely made it up the ramp, and I thought DeLuise would stop for sure. But for whatever reason, he put the pedal through the floor, and they just barely tumbled over the ramp and into the pool. It was the shallow end, but they landed upside down. I didn’t know what to do! I thought about running into the house and getting some scissors or a knife to cut them loose. But my assistants have handled all of the cutting since ’62, and on top of that, I had no idea where they kept such things. The only thing I could was dive in and do it myself.

I quickly took off all of my non-waterproof jewelry and dove in. Much to my disappointment, I had taped them up pretty damn good. What the hell was I thinking using four rolls of tape on those two? I had to do something! I started thinking about how bad it would look if those two drowned in my pool after the sheriff let me off with a warning after my last pool incident. I’ll be damned if my good name will be tarnished in the trade rags for the second time this week.
That’s when I got angry, and adrenaline-packed superhuman strength filled my body. Somehow I managed to lift 1000 pounds of golf cart and D-level celebrity, and carried them to the side of the pool and set them down easy.

Unbelievable how that happened.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman