Out Of The Well And Into A Dry Martini

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. Well, they finally dug The Showman out of Anson Williams’ well. It took 10 stout men, four Clydesdales, a 10-gallon drum of grease and about 58 man-hours, but I’m back home safe and sound and wearing my favorite robe.

I tell you what, friends, when you’re trapped in a well over a weekend, you have a lot of time to think.

By the way, kudos to Adrian Zmed of T.J. Hooker fame. He was clearly the lead celebrity in the evacuation effort. Apparently, Anson and Adrian spend quite a bit of time together at Anson’s ranch. Adrian showed up as usual for their Saturday morning shirtless horseback ride, when he found out there was a situation at hand. Adrian quickly put on his signature lime green headband, oiled himself up with a little help from Anson, and dug, dug, dug until he couldn’t dig anymore.

I guess I can extend my thanks to all of the non-celebrity volunteers that helped me get out of that damn well. Even though you guys aren’t famous, it doesn’t mean you’re not important! Thanks again and keep up the good work.

And Anson? Next year, let’s do the wine tasting at my place. You won’t be invited, but tell all of your friends. And while we’re at it, let’s forget the wine and do some single-malt tasting instead.

I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have my full range of motion back. It felt good to grab hold of the newspaper with both hands when I handed it to my assistant, Steve, so he could read me the top headlines. It was a bit of a surprise to find out the NBA playoffs went on as scheduled over the weekend. I thought for sure that the network would’ve pre-empted the games to air around the clock coverage of Rory’s Rescue 2000.

So, the Blazers and the Lakers blew their chance to sweep their series, and the Knicks got a great effort from that Heisman Trophy winner to even the series at two apiece.

The Sixers are down 3 – 1, and I see that they had a little scuffle on Saturday. Apparently, the guy from the Sixers got suspended for two games and the Pacer guy is suspended for one. Plus, the Sixers are being fined $50,000. I know that life isn’t always fair, but what the hell is that?

That’s about it for today, kids. I’m going to take a bath in Epsom salts for a few hours and then get ripped for a few more. After that it’s time to catch up on my sleep. Man, there’s something about coming out of a well that makes me finally feel alive!

I’m winkin’ at ya and thinkin’ of ya,
The Showman