Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. How the hell are you? Fantastic. Me? I’m feelin’ fresh. That’s right, fresh. If you remember a couple weeks back, I met two young gentlemen in the recording industry named Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg. Well, to my surprise, they rang up The Showman and invited me to a barbecue at Dre’s pad in the LBC. That’s Long Beach Community to all you crackers out there. Of course, I had to accept.

So I’m out by the pool drinking a giant, 40 ounce bottle of beer. Personally, I don’t know who needs so much beer in one container. I guess it saves you some trips to the fridge. But Snoop reassured me that everybody drinks them in their neck of the woods. Or ‘hood, as he put it.
Now, I don’t drink malt liquor much these days, and if you’re not ready for it, look out. I was half in the bag when I started putting the moves on this chick named Left Eye. Her boyfriend didn’t take too kindly to that idea, and so he threatened to bust up my bitch ass, whatever that means. Fortunately, Snoop stepped in and defused the situation. I think his exact words were that "we need peace in the streets".

As you can imagine, I was very thankful that Snoop would do that for me, and he said you’re welcome by offering me another of his hand-rolled cigarettes. I don’t know where he gets this stuff, but if they sold it in the stores, somebody could make a fortune. After the smoke cleared, I couldn’t think straight. But I think I put away 14 franks and a bucket of potato salad to win a bet.

Damn what a mess. Oh, I almost forgot. In the name of being a good columnist, I polled people on their picks for the NBA Finals. Here goes nothing.

Snoop Dogg – Lakers vs. Knicks – Lakers in 4

Left Eye – Lakers vs. Pacers – Pacers in 7

Dr. Dre – Trail Blazers vs. Knicks – Blazers in 6

A dude with a big clock around his neck – Lakers vs. Knicks – Knicks in 6, boyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Slick Rick – Blazers vs. Pacers – Blazers in 7

Fred Berry, aka Rerun – Lakers vs. Knicks – Lakers in 6

Tone Loc – Lakers vs. Knicks – Lakers in 7

Jimmie Walker – Lakers vs. Blazers – Pacers in 6 (He was pretty bombed by the time I got to him)

Chuck D. – Whitey vs. the black man – Whitey, just like always.

That’s about it, folks. Thanks for tuning in.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman,