I Just Don't Care Anymore

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. I tell you what, I shouldn’t have put that exclamation point in my salutation, because I am really not that excited right now. This daily column is taking a lot out of me, and I don’t know how much of an effort I can keep putting into this thing day in and day out. I’m likely to walk at any minute now.

It’s Tuesday, and if you’ve been here before, you know it’s question day. Let’s not waste any more time.

Dear Rory, My wife and I are building a new house. I was wondering if your house had any interesting features or decorations we could incorporate into our place. I love you, man!
- Barry T.
Topeka, KS

Dear Barry, My house is a one-of-a-kind architect’s nightmare, and Aaron Spelling’s sexy fantasy. It’s got more bells and whistles than Liberace’s outfits. But I guess there’s a few things I can share with you without giving away my style secrets. First off, since you’re married, I would consider installing a Xanadu Pleasure Swing in the hallway off the master bedroom. With one of those babies and an oscillating fan, you can keep a woman happy for three days. But I would guess the best part of my estate is the shooting range in the basement. It’s great for letting off steam after a tough day. It’s also great for keeping the kids occupied. Send the rugrats down there with a .22, and they’ll be out of your hair for the rest of the day.

Dear Rory, What kind of music do you listen to?
- Jeff M.
Boston, MA

Dear Jeff, It depends on where I am, and what I’m doing. If I’m driving around town on a sunny day, I usually throw on some ‘50s doo-wop. Those old tunes can’t help but bring a smile to my face. Whenever I start getting all misty-eyed for my drugged-out ‘70s days, I throw on some Creedence, Skynyrd or Zep and the scary memories come flooding back. Those were some lonely, lonely, lonely days. And when I’m making sweet love to a woman, or deflowering a young starlet, I always listen to my own records. God, I know how to set the mood.

Dear Rory, Do you think television needs more diversity in its shows?
- Angie D.
Sacramento, CA

Dear Angie, There’s no doubt that if you’re white and beautiful, you’ll probably end up on television at some point in your life. If you’re black, Asian or Latino and beautiful, you still have a chance. But if you’re ugly, it doesn’t matter what color you are. So yes, I agree with you Angie. Television definitely needs more roles for ugly people. By the way, speaking of diversity in television, every time I get Lisa Ling from The View confused with Lucy Liu from Ally McBeal, I think: whatever happened to Ming Na Wen?

On another note, I was having dinner the other night at a tony Santa Monica eatery when I accidentally spilled a glass of red wine on Bob Barker. I told him I would mention him in my article as retribution. So there. Personally, I think the guy’s a cut-rate Wink Martindale, and just to spite him, I never get my pets spayed or neutered. But whatever.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman