Leading By Example

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. I’m back from my trip to God’s country and the University of Wisconsin graduation ceremony. Wow! What a fun time, and what young, young girls. The commencement speech went great, and everybody loved me!

If you’re still reading, I have to admit that I lied a bit in that first paragraph. Oh, the girls were young, but I haven’t seen a speech go so poorly since I did a rather blue roast of Mother Theresa at her wake in Calcutta. And, once again, it wasn’t me that was to blame, but the alcohol.

About an hour after my arrival in Madison, I met up with some friends of mine, and they alerted me to the fact that the town was teeming with sauce joints. I brought my own supply because I wasn’t sure if Madison was still a dry town, but I was pleasantly surprised to discover it wasn’t.
Now, apparently, college kids are busier than ever. Everything is hurry, hurry, hurry. Drinking is no different. These kids put away the brew like a meteor is racing toward Earth and they have to get as much down as possible before zero hour. Normally, I would’ve drunk these kids under the table, but I hadn’t eaten anything in a day and a half.

My limo was attracting a big crowd, too. I guess today’s kids are still impressed by wealth and power. Good to know. One straggler we picked up was named Josh. This kid likes to party. Hell, he makes Peter Tosh look like Nancy Reagan.

So I woke up on the hood of my limo at 1:30 Sunday afternoon. Nothing unusual, except that the graduation began at 1:00.

I rolled onto stage 90 minutes late and shirtless. Not the first time that’s happened, but this audience was out for blood. If I had a decent opening act it wouldn’t have been a problem, but I think Dean Jerry McGee, head of the chemistry department, got his material off of a Bazooka Joe wrapper. Bor – ing!

I took a little from my pocket flask for courage, and that set the audience off even further. I was in some serious trouble, so I went to my "A" material – Mr. Socko, my puppet act. Mr. Socko explained the harsh realities of succeeding in Hollywood, but I guess chemistry students aren’t interested in showbiz.

Realizing that these kids didn’t want to be entertained, although who the hell knows why, I went into my speech. I’m sure they were expecting some dynamite advice and my secrets to life, but hell. It took me 55 years to figure this world out. You think I’m going to tell some punk kids what to do so they can skip right to dessert? Well, The Showman don’t work like that.

The hissing and catcalls were louder than ever, so I cut my speech short. I told the kids that at least 75% of them would grow up to be worthless failures, and only the attractive students had even an outside shot at success and happiness. That set off a rush toward the stage, and I hightailed it out of there.

Thankfully, I made it to my limo safe and sound. The driver pulled away, but not before a brick shattered the rear window. Who the hell brings a brick to a commencement ceremony anyway? Man, what a weekend. I think that’s the last time I venture out of the celebrity-receptive confines of Los Angeles for a while.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman