Ask Me A Question And I'll Tell You No Lies

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. How is everybody doing on this fine Tuesday? Super. Me? I’m walking through my well-manicured grounds and sipping on a cocktail while I look for mistakes so I can yell at my gardeners. So far I haven’t found anything wrong. All the weeds are pulled, the lawn is mowed to 5/8th of an inch as requested, and they did an excellent job of carving the hedges to resemble me.

Well, since my grounds are as I want them, I suppose it’s time for me to go through my mail and see if I can answer any reader questions.

Dear Rory,
Have you ever had to stand up and defend your woman’s honor?
- Brenda B.
St. Paul, MN

Brenda,
First of all, excellent question! Second of all, no. However, there have been plenty of women that have fought for my honor. One instance that comes to mind involved French sex kitten Brigitte Bardot. We were shooting a film about a renegade park ranger in Tasmania called Deadly Picnic Basket. Anyway, Brigitte and I were in the middle of a steamy sex scene when there was a knock on my trailer door. One of the gaffers was seeking my autograph. Of course, I refused and told him to get lost, so this cat started calling me all sorts of names. I was about to step outside and give him a nose job when Brigitte came flying out of nowhere, tackled this chap to the ground and proceeded to beat him into submission. God, that was sexy.

Dear Rory,
Being in the spotlight for so many years, did you ever find yourself using unhealthy dieting methods?
- Gary T.
Benting, ID

Gary,
What the hell kind of question is that? Of course I’ve used unhealthy dieting techniques! That’s how we become stars, chubby! One of my favorites is called the Dublin Gut Buster. Basically, you eat whatever the hell you want, then wash it down with Irish Whiskey until you "recycle" the meal. That’s a great one. Another one I’m partial to is called the Portuguese Helper. Rather than stick your own finger down your throat and get it all slimy to regurgitate a meal, you hire a Portuguese boy off the street for about $1 a day and have him stick his hand down your throat after you eat. It’s a real time saver. But stars don’t have to resort to such drastic measures these days thanks to plastic surgery. And with plastic surgery costs at an all-time low, you don’t have to be famous to get in on the action!

Dear Rory,
If you had the opportunity to go back in time and change something, what would it be?
- Don L.
Dallas, TX

Don,
If I had some sort of new-fangled time machine, I would definitely travel back to 1964 and advise myself not to write, direct, produce, star in and promote the film A Monkey Could Do That. One of the suits over at Paramount took his daughter to the zoo one day, and she loved the monkeys. So of course she begged Daddy to make a movie starring a monkey. Unfortunately for me, I was under the haze of some imported substances, so I took the ball and ran with it. The film ended up being just me and Rip Torn sitting in a studio apartment and watching a spider monkey trash the joint for 85 minutes. There wasn’t a single piece of dialogue in it. It even bombed overseas, and they’ll watch anything over there.

That’s all the mail for today. Well, I shouldn’t lie. I have a huge stack of letters here next to me, but I just don’t feel like reading anymore.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman