Find The Showman On eBay

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. I hope Wednesday finds you well, and if it doesn’t, I hope the sun starts shining on you soon.

I didn’t have much going on yesterday, so I decided to have Steve clean out the attic. I hate the idea of having that kid just sitting around all day admiring me. When he came down from the attic five hours later, his hair was full of dust, he had cobwebs in his pockets and he needed a tetanus shot.

But all of his hard work should pay off for me. Steve uncovered boxes and boxes of old crap that I had completely forgotten about. Valuable crap. And after seeing this vast load of Hollywood memorabilia, the ol’ light bulb went off in The Showman’s noggin. A garage sale would not only clear out my attic, it would also put some gambling money into my pocket.

So this Saturday morning, stop by The Showman’s First Annual Garage Sale. We’re holding it at Steve’s house because, frankly, I don’t want a bunch of weirdos and hangers-on trampling my petunias. If you’re wondering, Steve’s address is 746 Centinela Avenue here in Los Angeles.
Here are some of the highlighted items that I’ll have on sale this weekend.

Steve Allen’s First Hairpiece - $1
Steve-o started going thin on top in 1952 when he was a mere 31 years of age. Knowing that America hates a bald comedian, he ran out to the nearest taxidermy shop and got this birds nest to hide his dome. I won it off of him in a game of Texas Hold ‘Em in ’58, and I’ve haven’t figured out what the hell to do with it since.

The Showman™ Action Figure Doll - $25
In 1960, Mattel put out a doll of yours truly. Unfortunately, it was taken off the market in 1961after 10 kids choked to death on the miniature scotch bottle that came with it. C’est la vie, I guess. Steve says that if we sold this on Ebay, we could get some primo cash because geeks love old stuff. I don’t know what Ebay is, but I do know that the last time I took Steve’s advice I ended up in the back of a pickup with a band of migrant workers and a crate of berries.

The "Rory Sings On a Beach in Hawaii" Album - $3
I laid down this wax back when I was the tops. Man, how I could croon back then. If you listen closely to the song titled "Conch Shell", you can hear my ex-wife Tippi Hedren regurgitating tequila in the background.

My Assistant, Steve - $5
You want him, you got him.

Promotional Poster From the 1950s Anti-Homosexuality Propaganda Film No Parking In The Rear -$7
When scientific studies funded by the Army proved that communism and homosexuality went hand in hand, Uncle Sam released this bittersweet melodrama to set confused teens straight. Starring an adolescent Dennis Hopper, the film centered around Billy Davis, a boy who had to make a difficult decision on what was more important to him: his nation’s freedom, or his sexual urges.

I think it’s safe to say you can find some major deals if you swing by Steve’s place this weekend. This is just a smattering of the terrific things I’m making available to the public. You won’t even believe some of the things I have for sale. Which reminds me, let’s try not to get the cops involved.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman