Bumpers And Grinding

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. I hope everyone is doing well on this fine day. I know I sure as hell am. Of course, when you have an assistant that does all your dirty work for you, life can be pretty damn good.

In sports, game one of the Western Conference finals between the Lakers and the Blazers is this Saturday. Everyone is looking for a thrilling and exciting series and I think they’ll get it. Both teams are loaded with talented players. In fact, there hasn’t been a collection of talent like this since the suits took, "Three’s Company" off the air.

Speaking of which, am I the only guy around who wishes he had a neighbor/buddy like Larry? That cat lined up more bush than my landscapers. And it wasn’t just about quantity, with Larry, it was always about quality. Like quality stewardess twins from Sweden.

Over in the Eastern Conference, both series are coming down to the wire. The Heat went up by a game over the Knicks, 3-2 in this best of 7 series. And Spike Lee took a much needed break from making movies about basketball to watch his favorite team play basketball. And hopefully, when the Knicks are done playing, he’ll be able to get back to work and make a movie about basketball.

And the Sixers are making a series out of the other match-up in the East. The Indian state bird, Larry Bird, is in his last season as a coach where he is making a push for another ring. He has shot at getting to the finals with the help of the handsome Rick Smits and Cheryl Miller’s brother. If you ask me, Rick Smits has a career in the movies waiting for him when he’s done with the round ball.

It’s Thursday night, which means it’s Disco Bowling night down in my basement. Last week Jaleel White was the big winner, when he got to make out with the lovely and talented, Tina Yothers. Could you imagine if those two beautiful people had a baby? It wouldn’t be fair to have a child with that much talent. Speaking of talent, I sure hope Denise Richards stops by. I don’t know how the hell she can bowl wearing that tight of an outfit, but it works for me.

Well, heck, if you can’t tell already, I’m completely out of things to talk about. And besides, it’s time for another one of my three martini lunches with Joe Piscopo. I hope he doesn’t try out his "new" material again on me today. I’m not the actor I once was and it is getting increasingly hard for me to pretend I am floored by his Letterman bit. Of course, that’s where the martinis come in handy.

I’m thinkin’ of ya and winkin’ at ya,
The Showman