Vote GOD. Oh, I mean GOP.

Remember citizens, tomorrow is your chance to honor Jesus with your vote. It's more important than ever to vote because the only way we can defeat the religious terrorists is to remove the evil secular element from American society. For your information, I've assembled Jesus' position on a variety of political platforms, all taken directly from the Bible.

- Man should take full advantage of nature. This includes drilling for oil in Alaska. God the Father put the oil there for a reason. Ours is not to question why.

- Jesus loves the poor, so it's okay to cut welfare and Head Start school programs. Jesus will make it up to them in the afterlife. Besides, poor people are lazy.

- Jesus chased the moneychangers out of the temples. This is why religious organizations should remain tax-exempt.

- Even though he advocated turning the other cheek, Jesus only meant this in your interpersonal relations. He fully endorses the Bush doctrine of preemptive war. Witness Jesus' support of the Roman invasion of Carpathia in Corinthians 1.

- Jesus belives that life begins at conception. Considering that he was immaculately conceived without sex, he's an authority on this matter.

- Jesus does not support government healthcare. He feels that private enterprise and free trade can solve this problem.

As you may know, friends, George W. Bush and the Republicans are aligned with Jesus on all of these issues, so if you truly love Jesus, it's almost a sin to vote Democratic. Even if you lose your job and then can't afford private sector healthcare, Jesus will be there for you. If you get sick and die, he will be the first to welcome you into Heaven. And even better, if your teenage daughter is forced to take a part-time job at Little Caesars to aid in the family's finances and she becomes pregnant by a coworker, President Bush will assure that she can never get an abortion. Remember that Jesus will provide for your miracle baby.