Today's Column Is By Rory's Assistant, Steve

Hello, I’m Steve. I’ve been Rory’s assistant for almost seven months now. I’ve seen some freaky stuff, heard some long stories about people I’ve never heard of and repeatedly removed bloodstains from the carpet. But this is the first column I’ve had to write for Rory.

I was woken up at 4:30 this morning by a call from Rory on his cell phone. He said he was playing craps in the parking lot of a casino in Old Vegas with Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg, C. Everett Koop and some old Vegas hustlers all night. Rory said he needed to win enough money to get Koop’s car out of hock. Apparently, Koop was desperate for cash after doubling down on a pair of threes, so he pawned his car. I told Rory that story sounded kind of odd, because every time Koop comes by the house he talks about how much he loves that car. Finally, Rory admitted that he and Dre pawned Koop’s car, and now Rory needed to win enough money to get the car back before Koop realized it was gone.

Rory said he had no way to get back to Los Angeles without a car, so it was up to me to write his column for today or else he wouldn’t get paid for it. I don’t think he gets paid for it anyway, but whatever. I asked him why he didn’t just take an airplane home, and he mumbled something about the ghost of Frank Sinatra and hung up. I’ve been trying to call back for hours, but nobody answers. Maybe he lost his phone after rolling boxcars.

I have no idea what to talk about in this thing. On top of that, I’ve got Michael McKean, Vanna White and Vera Wang sitting in the living room. Vanna told me that they’re scheduled to play mixed doubles paddle tennis with Rory today. I’ve been trying to stall them, but I don’t know what the heck to say. I offered to fill in for Rory, but they said the game is for celebrities only. Maybe I’ll see if they’re willing to sit around for about 30 hours until Rory comes back.

He’s always pulling this kind of stuff, too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to make up some excuse about why Rory is late or not coming at all even. And of course, these people are always getting mad at me like it’s my fault. What do you want me to do? I’m just an assistant. I mean, I’m also a screenwriter, but until I sell something, I’m just an assistant. I took this job because I thought Rory’s connections could get me into the door. Rory said he would help me get a job, but the only person he’s pitched me to so far is Barbera from Hanna-Barbera. Or maybe it was Hanna. Either way, the guy wasn’t interested in my screenplay. I think he was too old school for it. It’s inspired by Tarantino. This band of smooth-talking robbers knocks off jewelry stores to help fund their edgy independent films. It’s full of jump cuts, pop culture references and non-linear action, and I think it confused the old guy. It’ll blow Hollywood away though, if I ever get it made.

Rory’s full of crazy quirks too, but I think he makes them all up to seem more like a celebrity. Like the time he heard that John Tesh will only drink imported bottled water. So Rory made me go out and buy fifteen cases of Perrier. Which, of course, he hasn’t touched yet. It doesn’t stop there. If his toothbrush isn’t turned to the left when he goes to brush his teeth in the morning, he completely freaks on me and throws the toothbrush away. So of course I have to rush right out and buy a new one for him. I mean, who thinks about a guy’s toothbrush every day? Oh, and he demands that his coffee be served at 162 degrees Fahrenheit. He makes me use a meat thermometer to check. Seriously, what does it matter?

I mean, working for Rory isn’t all bad. I do get to meet a lot of interesting people. Although Jacqueline Bisset nearly talked my ear off telling me how cute her new puppy was. And there was the time Rory and I flew to Tahiti because he was in the mood for a banana daiquiri. Those things are nice, but sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it. I’ll tell you this. When I hit it big, you’d better believe I’ll be super cool to my assistant because I know what it’s like to be on the other end.

Anyway, Rory should be back tomorrow, I hope. I know he has another big golf tournament coming up this weekend that he’s been talking about for months, and I can’t imagine he’ll miss that.

Goodbye,
Steve