A Name Says A Lot

Greetings, sportsfans. Bumpers here. How is everybody doing on this fine Monday? Me? I’m doing all right. We had a pretty exciting weekend in sports, mostly in the NBA with the second round of the playoffs beginning. I think something else happened as well, but I’m not sure. Look, when you’re busy breaking the world hot tub record with a few young lovelies, you don’t have much time for the out of town scoreboard – even if I am a "sports columnist".

However, I did notice that big Shaquille O’Neal did quite a number on the Phoenix Suns and led his Lakers to an impressive win. Shaq is the clear favorite for the MVP award this year, and that got me to thinking. There’s a lot in a name. It’s true. Shaquille O’Neal just sounds like the biggest, baddest guy in the NBA, and by gum, he is! Another one of my favorite names in the NBA belongs to Bo Outlaw. Is there a scarier name around? How would you like to be getting close with his girlfriend only to hear, "Uh oh, my boyfriend’s home. He’s Bo Outlaw." I’ll tell you one thing, I’d get out of there quicker than Christ left the Jews.

Many names stand out in the history of football as well. Ol’ Bronko Nagurski was a hell of a player. He had to be with a name like that. How about Terrell Davis? The best running back in the game has the initials T.D. You can’t make up stuff that good. Not to mention guys like Dick Butkus, Franco Harris, Ray Nitschke and a bunch of other guys I can’t think of now.

Out here in Hollywood there are many great names as well. When you hear names like Woody Long, Peter North, Long Dan Stryker, Savannah and Misty Rains, you know you’re going to see some quality adult action. On the legitimate side, the local ABC affiliate out here has two weathermen named Johnny Mountain and Dallas Raines. How made up is that? Why don’t you just call yourself Burt Sunshine and get it over with?

But the best Tinseltown names are the ones that you can’t tell are fake. Allow me to let you folks in on a few industry secrets here.

Sandra Bullock – This button-cute actress won over countless fans with the runaway hit Speed. Then she lost most of those fans with the runaway bomb Speed 2. You can’t help but wonder if her career would be as stellar if she stuck with her real name – Sandra Bullcoch.

Kurt Russell – Known by most H-wood insiders as Kurt Hustle for his willingness to do whatever it takes around the set just to get a gig. Another insider note is that he wears that eye patch in real life! Although Kurt sounds like a tough guy, he might have had some trouble landing tough guy roles with his birth name – Morty Roundpie.

Brad Pitt – Adored by women and gay men, and linked romantically with Friends star Jennifer Aniston (real name Jennifer Anistopadopolous), the man of hunk is that cool in real life. I met him at a party last weekend and found out some classified information on him. He asked me not to tell anybody, so if you see him, tell him you read it in Larry King’s weekly claptrap. Anyway, Brad is actually a diminutive 4’7", and his real name is Tom Cruise. Unfortunately for Tom, Tom Cruise had already registered his name with the Screen Actors Guild, so Tom Cruise had to change his name to Brad Pitt. Oh, how Hollywood works.

Jimmy Smits – This handsome chap is a favorite of bored housewives across the country. His legions of fans were heartbroken when the Latin heartthrob quit his job on NYPD Blue. But many say he wouldn’t have had nearly as much success if he had stuck with his real name – Pollo Loco.

Well, that’s about it for today. I gotta run to another lunch date with Loni Anderson. God, she wants to get at my goody bag.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman,