No Name Mail Bag

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. It’s Tuesday and that can only mean one thing: dinner at Spago with Ivan Reitman. But before I do that, I’m going to take some time out to answer a few questions from my fans.

And remember folks, if you’re not lucky enough to ever see The Showman in person, you can always send me questions through this e-mail I have. Maybe I’ll answer it. Maybe I won’t, but you never know.

On to the questions!

Dear Rory,
During your wild and out of control downward spiral, did you ever have any run-ins with the law?
- 8556902-B
Riker’s Island, NY

Dear Prisoner,
I learned early on the value of being friendly with the police department. I used to tip my hat to the boys in blue at the end of every performance and in exchange they used to look the other way when I would wrap my Caddy around a tree. Soon my career took a turn for the worse and in 1977, I was arrested for larceny, mail fraud, public nudity, public drunkenness, destruction of public property, arson, grand theft auto, extortion, public discrepancy, speeding, possession of a controlled substance, inciting a riot, cruelty to animals, spying for the hated British, treason, domestic abuse and assaulting Bea Arthur. And that was just in February. Now that I’m back in the limelight I want to right this ship by taking the time to thank Johnny Law. Johnny Law, if you’re listening, why don’t you do your part and drop those charges?

Dear Rory,
I’m trying to break into Hollywood as a television writer. Do you have any suggestions for a show?
- Kathy G.
Los Angeles, CA

Dear Kathy,
The number one rule of television comedy is: always have a wacky neighbor. Somebody the main characters can lean on as the butt of their jokes. Full House took this rule a step further and had the wacky neighbors actually living in the house together. Of course, that show could afford to take risks due to all of the talent they had. When you have the Olson twins and Stamos working on the same show you can get away with a lot. The best shows today requires getting a cast of between four and six attractive twenty-something with great jobs they never go to, fantastic apartments and anxiety issues. Also, a male and female character should trade sarcastic barbs in order to hide their undeniable attraction to one another. Finally, add a talking dog and throw on a clever title like Let’s Chill! You put that show after Frasier, and the Emmys will start rolling in.

Dear Rory,
Do you have any traditional recipes in your family?
- Jeff S.
New Orleans, LA

Dear Jeff,
Being a single man about town these days, I don’t have much time to cook my own meals. But when I was a young pup growing up on a dirt farm in Minnesota, my family and I shared many traditional dishes, most of which descended from our Scandinavian ancestors. But most of those dishes involved raw fish and that’s not my bag. Another yearly treat was my dad’s patented Christmas Scotch Balls. He would pour scotch into an ice cube tray, let it freeze and we would all suck on the cubes until we were red in the face with Christmas cheer. I still whip up a batch of Scotch Balls every now and again. Some traditions are just too special to let go.

Dear Rory,
Before you made it big, did you have any odd jobs?
- Maria D.
Topeka, KS

Dear Maria,
Before I answer your question, keep in mind that technically I made it big twice. Once in the ‘50s, and again last year. I think everybody has heard that before I struck gold in the ‘50s, I worked as a busboy and a barback at Doc Barnsworth’s Supper Club. Nothing really happened there, expect for the day I spilled an Irish Coffee on ol’ Doc himself. But my most interesting odd job had to be the one I had in early 1972. I was working crowd control and singing the national anthem at the dolphin show at the San Diego Zoo. My job was basically to keep the rugrats from jumping into the dolphin pool, and making sure the parents didn’t take any flash photography. Dolphins will bite your head off if you use flash photography. I lost that job after a little incident one day. One little boy was dying to stick his hand in the dolphin pool. I must’ve sent him away at least eight times. He came back once more, and finally Isnapped. I picked him up, shouted "You want to see what’s in the pool? Fine!" and tossed him in. Apparently, he hadn’t learned to swim yet, and we almost had a real problem on our hands. Thankfully, I was able to calm the crowd with a jazzy rendition of "Mac The Knife" and all was quickly forgotten.

That’s all the questions for today, friends. If you have something you’re dying to ask The Showman, you can email me at rorybumpers@sportspage.com. I’ll try to get to it before the end of the year.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman