Rory Likes You, Rory Likes You Not

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. Another crazy day in the life of The Showman. I’m hosting "The Showman’s Magical Spring Days" pool party at my estate this weekend. My assistants are running around like mad tidying up the place, making sure there’s enough booze and pretzel sticks for everybody, and doing my laundry. Unfortunately, they keep getting in my way as I’m trying to watch The Parent Trap.

The hardest part of getting ready for my party, as always, will be figuring out who to invite and who to snuff. To streamline the process, I usually just consult my friends and enemies lists.

Here’s the deal, folks. Those of you that were invited last year are invited once again this year. Except for Burt Reynolds. Next time you have to puke Bandit, do it on your own pool table. And those of you that weren’t invited last year, are of course, not welcome again this year. The dogs will be prowling the grounds, so don’t bother trying to sneak in.

I have tweaked each list just a hair in the past twelve months. Below, you can find the new additions, or in Corey Feldman’s case, subtractions.

Congratulations! You’re Invited!
Corey Haim – Thanks for letting me borrow $10 last month. I really needed that table dance.
Justine Bateman – Thanks for the table dance.
Estelle Getty – It could hardly be called a party without your dead-on impressions of Gerald Ford and Spiro T. Agnew.
Michael Gross – Oh, wait a minute. I meant Alan Alda. I can’t keep those cats straight.
Mary Kate Olsen – You really made Full House come alive.
Brian Austin Green – Hey, you always need a DJ.

Stay The Hell Away!
Corey Feldman – This ain’t one of your drugged-out hippie parties, longhair.
Jm. J. Bullock – Just because I went to your party doesn’t mean you can come to mine.
Ashley Olsen – You almost single-handedly ruined Full House.
The paparazzi – Enough with the pictures, okay boys?
Bob Hope – I’ll never forget what you did to me in Paris in ’62. I don’t care if everybody in Europe does it or not.

So that’s it, faithful readers. I’m sorry I couldn’t invite you all. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to run out to the store now to pick up some extra french onion dip. Last year, I watched Bryant Gumbel eat a whole tub by himself – with his fingers. Man, that guy can party.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman