Get Back To Not Working!

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. I see that it’s Tuesday yet again. I’ve never really liked Tuesday. Always rubbed me the wrong way. But what can a guy like me do? Besides singing, dancing, telling jokes, doing ventriloquism and making a mean patty melt, that is.

And of course Tuesday means question and answer day here, but before I get to that, I want to talk about something. Apparently a bunch of commercial actors are on strike here in sunny L.A. because they either don’t get paid enough, or get paid too much, or something. I don’t know, I didn’t read the paper.

I mean, what the hell do actors do when they go on strike? Not work? Call in the National Guard, Billy. We need to find somebody else to star in our soda pop commercials. Let me tell you beautiful punks something: the Hollywood dream machine has an endless supply of attractive people to star in mediocre sitcoms, lowbrow movies and car commercials. So you go walking down the boulevard complaining about how tough life is when you work five days a month, and Tinseltown will pluck another starry-eyed cutie from Waukesha to take your place.

I could see if they were film actors, but it doesn’t take much acting chops to sell Kodak moments. To tell you the truth, I’m just wondering if these cats are really on strike, or if they’re just actors playing actors on strike.

What’s that, cutey? You’re on strike? Great. Yeah, can I get that without mustard? And I’ll take a Bloody Mary as well. Thanks, toots.

On to the questions.

Dear Rory,
What is the most lavish gift you’ve ever given anyone?
Lisa M.
Syracuse, NY

Lisa,
Well, when I married that bitch Tippi Hedren, I tried to buy her Scotland, but they were asking way too much for it. I haggled them all the way down to $45 million, but just as I was writing the check, Tippi decided she wasn’t interested in owning Scotland. That led to our first fight, and it was a real humdinger. The most lavish gift I ever actually gave somebody was a 40-carat gold bust of The Showman that had rubies for eyes and diamonds for teeth. I commissioned Tiffany’s here on Rodeo Drive to put it together as a gag gift for Don Rickles’ birthday. Rickles had a good laugh and immediately donated the jewelly bust to Caesar’s Palace in Vegas. It still sits in their main foyer today if you’d like to admire it.

Dear Rory,
What is the cruelest thing you’ve ever done to someone?
Rosarita C.
Tijuana, Mexico

Rosarita,
Oh, that’s a hell of a question. You in your fancy border town. Most of my acquaintances say that my cruelest prank came during a USO show in Hanoi in 1964. I was doing a killer ventriloquist bit where Sergeant Sock Puppet was really laying into the buffoonish Private Bumpers because he made his bed with the sheets on top and the blanket on the bottom. I even had the noncoms rolling in the aisles. At the height of the show, as a little joke, I told everybody that the war was over and they would all be shipping out tomorrow. The crowd roared with approval and started making plans for to see their best gal when they got home. Ironically, only a few moments later, Charlie got the drop on us and strafed the hell out of the auditorium. Thankfully, Miss December and I were safely spirited away in a chopper.

Dear Rory,
Do you have any stock tips that you would like to share with us?
Lance R
New York, NY

Lance,
First of all, hell of a name kid. You sound like a winner. I don’t really hang in the best of circles for stock tips, but I do know quite a few people who have played stockbrokers in the movies. The most successful of which has to be Michael Douglas. I ran into Kirk’s son on the golf course in Palm Springs a couple of weeks ago, and he told me that Beta video is going to make a comeback. I think his exact quote was, "VHS won the battle, but Beta is going to win the war!" He also told me to always invest in things that you use in everyday life. I’ve been looking like crazy, but unfortunately, I don’t see any Johnnie Walker Red or mink coats on the ol’ NASDAQ.
Well, that’s all for today folks. I hope I was able to help some of you out by telling you a little more about myself. Heck, I think we all learned something today.

I’m winkin’ at ya and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman