Stuck In A World Of Pain

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. And Bumpers ain’t doing well, folks. No, I caught a little something right before the long weekend and suffered mightily as a result. I don’t know how I caught it. Could have been the Santa Ana winds blowing in that pollen from the desert. Could have been those random girls I was making out with at the arcade (don’t ask). But more than likely I caught while I was licking the handrail of the mall’s escalator. Man, I wish I hadn’t lost that bet.

So, I just lounged around my pad all day and watched TV. That’s the one nice thing about being sick - it gives you an excuse to not do a frickin’ thing. For instance, Sam Donaldson was having a little party this weekend. Now, I hate hanging with Sam and his straight-laced buddies, but I’ve never been able to get out of it. See, you can’t lie to Sam, because that cat will see right through it. But with me under the weather, I was able to tell him how sorry I was that I couldn’t attend.

I know everyone gets sick once in a while and we all need things to help us out in those tough times, so I decided that I would give all you lovely people some helpful hints in times of trouble. First and foremost, you are going to need to relax on your couch, and that means you need something to watch. I suggest you have your assistant go out and rent you some movies. What kind of movies you ask?

Anything that stars Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn will instantly make you feel better. Someone once asked me how many times those two have worked together – the answer – not enough. But be sure that you don’t watch any of their movies in a dry area, because with all those on screen sparks flying, it can be an old-fashioned fire hazard.

You should also try renting some of those "Candid-Candid Camera" flicks – holy smokes are those fun. Allen Funt is a bald genius. He’s a little light in the loafers, but brilliant nonetheless. If you don’t know, "Candid-Candid" is "Candid Camera" with nudity! This fuses all the hilarity of regular "Candid Camera" but adds a plethora of money shots to heighten the overall appeal. And you know what? It works!

Lastly, you should be constantly dabbed on the head with a cool wash cloth. I don’t care if you have a fever or not, if you have a cute little number bending over you all day, you’re bound to feel better. You also need popsicles and soup. I recommend cherry and French Onion respectively.

Well, that’s all for today people. In fact, you’re damn lucky you got this much, because with Overboard playing I can hardly contain myself enough to concentrate on this column. What a movie! I mean Russell and Hawn are from totally different worlds, but somehow, I think it is all going to work out. Go figure.

I’m winkin’ at ya and thinkin’ of ya
The Showman