Q&A, But No T&A

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. I was driving down the highway on my motorcycle with a hot piece of tail in the sidecar, and I thought to myself, "Life is good". I was two sheets to the wind and doing some wheelies to impress this filly when I saw a cop’s cherries in my rearview mirror, and thought, "Damn, life sucks". But the cop was familiar with The Showman’s work, so he decided to let me off with a warning. That’s when I thought, "Life fricking rocks".

So John Law gave us a police escort back to my mansion and all was forgotten. Suzy Sweetpie wanted to go for a swim, and I wanted to let her. She begged me to join her for some frivolity, but I told her I worked for a living and I had this damn column to write. After much cajoling, I decided I would do her the good service of writing my column poolside. I just hope I can concentrate because this girl is hot, baby, hot.

Dear Rory, Now that summer is here, I plan on having some barbecues with my friends after I get out this joint. Is there something that I should have around to enhance the overall experience?
- Chuck X
Folsom State Prison

Chuck, First of all, stay strong on the inside, my friend. I know how tough it can be during lockdown. Well, I personally haven’t spent any time in the clinker thanks to a few dirty judges and my fame. But I can imagine that it’s no fun. Anyway, barbecues are America’s way to celebrate life and beef. I could go on and on about the different goodies one should have at a cookout, but only one really stands out – midgets. That’s right, midgets. What you do is hire about five or six of them to work your party. Put oversized novelty sombreros on the short cats, place tortilla chips and salsa around the brim, and have them walk around your yard. Those little troopers will keep your guests entertained – and full!

Dear Rory, I was wondering if you could settle a bet that my frat bro and I have. Which girls are better – hippies or sorority chicks?
- keg69@aol.com
Kent State

Kegger, You sound like a heck of a party guy, but don’t neglect your studies. You can’t get by in this world with just drinking and carousing, unless you got yourself a sweet set of pipes like myself. But on to your question, hippies or pledges? Well, the hippies like to party so you have to like that. They are also enamored by the concept of free love, so let’s just put a +2 in the hippie chick category. Those sorority girls have a damn fine pedigree, and most of them love wearing makeup. I really don’t think you can overlook either type of girl, but you’re forgetting another important breed found on campus – nature chicks. Now, technically nature chicks are a subspecies of hippie chick, but hear me out. See, nature chicks don’t wear bras. I know you’re probably thinking, "Even Jane Goodall?" Well, especially Jane Goodall, partner. You find a chick who’s into apes or the freakin’ environment for all I care, and you’ve got yourself a wild lay. Good luck at your next theme party, fun guy!

Good Lord! I’m sorry, folks, but my assistant just informed me that Markie Post is on her way up the driveway, and with Suzy swimming in the pool, things do not look good for The Showman. In the ‘70s, this wouldn’t have been a problem, but I told Markie that my alleycat days were behind me. Damn, how could I blow it with Markie like this?

Ah, screw it. Hot blondes grow on trees at Rancho de Bumpers. I guess I’ll just pick another one.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman