Rory's Helpful Hints

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. It’s that time of week again. The time when a few fortunate fans get to receive advice directly from me, The Showman, Rory Bumpers. I’ve given lots of advice of over the years. Some where they’ve listened to me, like when I told Leslie Nielsen to try comedy instead of drama. Nobody should get that many laughs playing Romeo. And some where they shouldn’t have listened to me at all, like when I told Leslie Nielsen to make Spy Hard! Without much more ado, here’s my tips for this week:

Dear Rory,
I coach a tenth grade girls’ basketball team. I try to give everybody equal playing time, but with our recent losing streak, I’m starting to question the wisdom of that decision. What should I do?
- Bert "Scratch" T.
White Plains, NY

Scratch,
I know how tough it can be to deal with teenage girls. I raised two and married a third. At one point in their lives, these girls are going to learn that some people have got what it takes and others don’t. You have the chance to teach them this valuable lesson, and I suggest you take advantage of that great opportunity. Because everybody knows, there’s no better place to teach girls about the real world than on the basketball court.

Dear Rorey,
You’re a pretty old-fashioned guy it seems. Do you use a computer when you write, or are you still using a pad and pen?
- Kurt V.
Phoenix, AZ

Kurt,
If I were you, and I thank God every day that I’m not, I would do my homework a bit before I ask such a useless question. My name is spelled R-O-R-Y. I don’t know where the hell you got R-O-R-E-Y from. As far as your question goes, I don’t have an answer because I stopped reading your letter as soon as I saw my name misspelled. Go to hell!

Dear Rory,
I’m heading to college in the fall, and I’m pretty nervous. I want to walk on to the football team, but I don’t know if I can make it. Do you have any suggestions as to how I should prepare myself?
- Brad G.
Laramie, WY

Brad,
I skipped college, and not a day goes by that I don’t regret it. Then again, if I had gone to college, today I might be a regional sales manager rather than an international sensation with a stable of starlets. But good luck to you anyway. First and foremost, I would work on your abs. It’ll help you with football tryouts, but more importantly, with those pretty young coeds. Secondly, I would get yourself a fake ID as soon as possible. You can try to make one yourself, but if you do a shoddy job, it’ll be easily recognized by even the dumbest bouncer. The best route is to use the ID of somebody that looks like you. If you have an older brother, you’ve just scored yourself a touchdown, junior!

Dear Rory,
I heard you mention in your live chat session the other day that you ballooned up to 320 pounds in the ‘70s. What did you do to lose all that weight?
- Brenda L.
Lodi, WI

Brenda,
I’ll be honest with you, it takes some deep pockets. I bought myself a chef to prepare only the healthiest of meals, a nutritionist to make sure the chef wasn’t forgetting anything and, being in a position of relative power, a food tester to make sure nobody was trying to cut The Showman’s life short. My next move came when I remodeled my home to make every room into either a sauna or steam room. The idea was to constantly sweat off pounds, whether I was sitting around watching television, reading on the porch or just using the bathroom. And it worked, baby! However, I don’t recommend that method for everybody. As I mentioned earlier, it’s expensive, and I nearly died of dehydration a number of times. Then again, I did lose the weight, and I suppose the end justifies the means.

Thanks for the great questions, kids! Except for you, Kurt. And don’t ever waste my time again.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman