Dick Belzer Wears Sunglasses At Night

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. I got into town late last night, and I’m feeling a little sluggish. The reason I didn’t arrive in Los Angeles on time is because of my prima donna pilot again. Apparently, he got a little tired of my constant criticizing of his lack of flying skills. So he put the plane down in Salt Lake City and refused to fly me one foot further. A $1,000 cab ride later, and The Showman is back in town, baby!

The brass has been on my jock lately saying that I’m not talking enough sports in my column. And while I know people love my brand of Hollywood-speak, I guess I can throw the suits a bone and talk sports today. Man, I can’t believe The Showman is taking orders. What is this? The freakin’ army?

In hockey, the Avalanche and the Red Wings are battling it out yet again. This marks the third time in four years that these two squads are going at it. And let me tell you, they don’t like each other. Hell, these two teams hate each other more than a hippie hates bathing. This series reminds of one of the marriages between Dick Burton and Beth Taylor. It’s a lot of fun, as long as you’re not the one getting repeatedly smashed on the head.

The Minnesota Timberwolves lost another close battle with the Portland TrailBlazers last night, to fall behind 2 – 0 in the best of five series. I don’t know where the hell these two franchises got their nicknames from, but my best guess is an L.L. Bean catalog. I mean, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore did a better job of naming their kids.

A lot of people are complaining these days about the amount of home runs being hit in these fancy new ballparks. They say that many home runs takes away from the spirit of the game. I say that’s nonsense. Home runs are what people want. I like to think that my ventriloquism bit was my home run, and I wouldn’t hesitate to use it on a hostile crowd. And it always brought them around to The Showman’s side. The point is, if people didn’t like home runs, they wouldn’t have made a movie about Babe Ruth.

A couple weeks back, I was enjoying a fancy coffee drink with Dick Belzer on Melrose Avenue. I asked him why he always wears sunglasses, even when he’s indoors at night. He didn’t have an answer I liked, so I knocked the shades off his face with an open palm. Turns out, the Belz has one blue eye and one brown eye. And the brown eye is lazier than a Southerner on Quaaludes. After I saw that, I told Dick he should wear a welder’s helmet to make sure nobody has to see that again.

There I go with the show biz blah blah again. Just goes to show you that the old saying is true. You can take the boy out of Hollywood, but you can’t take the Hollywood out of the boy.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman