Having A Pet Monkey Is A Lot Of Work

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. As some of my sharper readers will recall, I occasionally harass my assistant, Steve, about his complete inability to ever do anything right. I think I may be softening my stance on Steve-O after a wild day yesterday, though.

The blind have been using dogs for years to help them get through their daily life. Trained dogs are also being used to help the infirmed with routine tasks. And not only can you use dogs these days, trained monkeys are being used as well.

Steve and I were having another discussion about what a dope he is, when I mentioned that a monkey could probably do his job with aplomb. And not even a super-intelligent space chimp. Just a regular trained monkey. To prove my point, I called in a favor at the animal shelter, and they couriered a spider monkey over to the estate.

Well, I’m here to tell you that a trained monkey can definitely not do Steve’s job. The monkey, which I quickly dubbed Blo-Blo, was cute as the dickens, but smart as a post. I started him off easy, commanding him to bring me my mail and then wash my clothes. Instead, Blo-Blo brought me my socks and threw my mail in the washer. Unperturbed, I told Blo-Blo to make reservations at Mr. Chow’s for next Thursday at 8:00 for myself and Kirstie Alley. The best he could do was reservations at 8:30. And he made them with Shelley Long!

Steve was having a pretty good chuckle over this whole fiasco, but I decided I would give Blo-Blo one more chance to prove me right. Of all the things Steve does badly, he makes sandwiches the worst of all. I figured Blo-Blo could nail that one no problem. In fact, Jeff at the animal shelter told me it was Blo-Blo’s specialty.

I told Blo-Blo to make me a reuben, light on the kraut. Not that tall of an order if you ask me. He scrambled out to the kitchen and starting making quite a racket. Dishes clattering, silverware clinking. He even turned on the blender at one point.

After about a half-hour, Blo-Blo emerged from the kitchen with the biggest smile you ever did see on a monkey. He handed me the sandwich, but here’s the beauty part. Blo-Blo put the bread on the inside and the corned beef and kraut on the outside. A reverse sandwich! That sealed the deal. I put Blo-Blo out on his ear. I didn’t give him a ride back to the animal shelter, either. If he’s supposed to be so smart, he can figure out the bus schedule.

So I’m here to say that having a pet monkey isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. And that Steve is definitely smarter than a monkey. Or at least Blo-Blo.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman