I Didn't Come To Bow, I Came To Conquer

Greetings, sportfans. Bumpers here. The weekend is here! And let me be the first to say, cheers! It’s a big weekend for The Showman, people.

I’m flying to Reno for a two-night stay at The Kingsley Resort Motel and Casino. It’s actually on the fringe of Reno, but that’s not the point. Oh, damn, my freakin’ straw keeps flyin’ out of this lowball because of all this wind. I’m starting to think I should have asked SportsPage for a jet instead of this damn biplane. Oh, well.

So this resort I’m flying to kicked me out and told me never to come back after my last performance there in ’76. I would love to tell you what happened, but unfortunately I blacked out. All I know is that I was crappin’ $50 chips for about a week and a half. But, when in Rome…

The Showman first headlined at The Kingsley in 1957 for a three-month stay. I know you thought I was a Vegas guy, and I was, but before that, Reno was my town. And I don’t have to tell you, but to impress this little pepper on the Dictaphone here, I was on top of my game in 1957. Just a young eager pup with the Midas touch and a head stuffed full of fresh family humor. I left The Kingsley on great terms and with an open invitation any time I wanted to come back.

Fast-forward to 1976. I was grossly overweight, weighing nearly 350 pounds, and I needed money to support my Reuben sandwich and cocaine addictions. So I headed back to The Kingsley. The first night went well, after I was able to block out the fat cracks. But the second night, well, I already told you. I can’t remember squat, but I’ve been in showbiz long enough to know that the talent isn’t supposed to wake up with two black eyes and a $4,000 cleaning bill.

But now that I’m back at it, The Kingsley’s come a’knockin’ again. And The Showman is answering the door, baby! I can’t wait. Those blue-haired ladies are going to be throwin’ their giant panties at me when they hear the new lounge versions of "Unskinny Bop" and "Pour Some Sugar On Me" I’ve been working on. And the encore? I gotta feeling Mr. Socko might come out to play.

I’m winkin’ at ya and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman,