Helpful Tips From The Showman

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. You know, I’ve been at this writing gig for a few months now, and I think things are going pretty well. We’ve had some laughs, some good times, a few surprises and even a few tears. Furthermore, I would defy anybody to find a single thing wrong with this column.

But sure enough, in a country this frickin’ big you’re bound to find somebody’s who’s unhappy. I was sitting in one of Hollywood’s trendy gin joints when an absolutely dynamite bird walked by. She was an old-fashioned Hollywood gal with over-sized collagen lips, an augmented chest and a whole lotta "I’m gonna be a star" attitude. Being The Showman, I struck up a conversation, and this lovely lass admitted she was familiar with my work. Cha-ching!

The last time I met a dame that was familiar with my work, well, let’s just say it hurt so good. I moved in for the Showman Shuffle, when this gal put up a red flag. What the hell was she thinking? She must have been drunk, because I don’t know how you can say you want to be a star with one breath and then refuse me the next. Something wasn’t right here. After prying, she said she couldn’t bring herself to sleep with me because my column didn’t help people.

What kind of new age hippie feel-good hoo-hah is this? But, in order to make a good impression on my new favorite woman, here’s a list of helpful hints from The Showman to you.

• Peanut butter not only tastes good, but it can also be used as shampoo, toothpaste or deodorant.
• If you ever plan on visiting Brussels, try to learn the language first. They hate English over there.
• If she says she’s on the pill, she’s not.
• Whenever your butler has a little case of the sassmouth, gently remind him that you can revoke his green card at any moment. Then slap him.
• If it’s red, wait for it to go away. If it burns, see a doctor.
• Try to drink 8 gallons of water a day.
• Avoid gay porn as a gift.
• Never dare a guy with a gun, especially if that guy is the husband of the lady you’re sleeping with.
• No matter how much you don’t want to, try to visit every part of your mansion.
• Remember to have one boat for waterskiing, one for entertaining and one cigarette boat in case you need to leave the country in a hurry.
• Apple burgers are good for you.
• In case you want to buy me a drink, I like my martinis very dry.

With all that I’ve learned over the years, I could go on and on. But what’s the point? I think I’ve done enough good with this column to sway this bird.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman