The Cream Rises To The Top

Greetings, sportfans. Bumpers here. It’s a BIG night in sports, kids. The Los Angeles Lakers are taking on the Indiana Pacers in game six at the historic Staples Center. What a game it should be. Reggie Miller, Shaq Daddy, Kobe O’Bryant, The Nighthawk – Travis Knight, Stony Sam Perkins, Chris "Time for a new Haircut" Mullin and a whole bunch of other crazy cats.

How about that Tiger Woods? Wow! They ought to let me trade shots with him just to make it fair to everyone else.

It really is amazing to watch someone at the top of their game. When they know they can’t be beat and everyone else knows they can’t beat ‘em. I’m of course, talking about myself and my big celebrity drinking contest this last weekend. Folks, I’m not one to brag, but I was in the zone.

Ted Kennedy absolutely destroyed Ted Danson in the first round. But I think he got a little cocky because although he had the match won, he kept on drinking. I had to face Teddy in the second round after taking down Judge Reinhold and it wasn’t much of a contest. I watch a lot of Leno, so I figured Kennedy was a real boozer. But to be totally honest, Gary Coleman gave me a tougher match in the third. And I ended up using that half-pint to clean up my spills.

So, there I was in the final round. It was a round robin involving The Showman, Red Buttons, Nell Carter, and Dan Marino. Of course, I was the early favorite, but I knew I had my work cut out for me. Now, Red is one hell of a boozer. Nell is damn near unstoppable when she gets on a roll and that red-faced Marino isn’t too shabby himself.

But much to my surprise the drink for the final round was Mint Juleps. And I can drink Mint Juleps. Man, those cats didn’t have a chance, but they did have a good time. Before I knew what happened, Nell and Marino withdrew themselves from the contest so they could make out. I wished they would have gone to a more private place, but I guess they couldn’t wait and they started necking under the table.

So it was down to Red and I. Two old rivals. We actually used to swap a lot of parts in the movies, because we have the same look. It’s a lot like Mark Harmon and John Ritter. See, Hollywood only has so many roles for a chill Cali dude in his mid 30s with sandy blond hair. Mark and John have to trade all of those roles. John got Three’s Company, but Mark landed the blockbuster hit, Summer School. That’s the way it was for Red Buttons and I in the 1950s and early ‘60s.

To make a long story short, The Showman held his own and won the tournament. What a weekend. Tiger Woods wins by 15 strokes and The Showman wins by eight Mint Juleps. Good times.

I’m winkin’ at ya and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman