Five Fifths Equal One Good Time

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. You know, there’s a couple of common sayings in Hollyweird. One is that Chevy Chase is an ass. Another is that celebs drink like thirsty horses. So I’d like to announce The First Annual Showman’s Gone Drinkin’ Contest.

The rules are simple. The first Hollywood celebrity or insider that can drink me under the table wins an autographed 8x10-foot mural of The Showman in his prime. I know what you’re probably saying. Why the heck would a Hollywood star want an autographed photo of another Hollywood star? Well, if you’ve never been to Hollywood, you don’t know how these things work.

The event will be held this Sunday, starting at 11:00 a.m. at the gazebo on the southwest corner of my estate. Which will be nice, because I haven’t been to that part of my vast property in ages. The contest is a round-robin, double elimination tournament that should be over by around 9:30 that same evening or so.

Tickets go on sale today. Call Ticketmaster or stop by the estate and Steve will straighten you up. And to make you feel good about buying the tickets, whatever money isn’t spent on booze goes straight to charity.

So put on your favorite drinkin’ hat, and come on out to Rancho de Bumpers Sunday afternoon. I’ve drawn Judge Reinhold in the first round, which is a cakewalk for The Showman because Reinhold is half-Mormon. I should be able to conserve liver capacity for the second round, when I take on the winner of the soggy Ted Kennedy/Ted Danson match.

Some of the key first-round matchups include Gary Coleman/Emmanuel Lewis, Sammy Hagar/David Lee Roth, Jesse Helms/Strom Thurmond, and John Paul Mitchell/Gary Nexus.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gotta go drop the kids off at the pool.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman