I Think The Lakers Are Good

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. Congratulations to Diesel McShaq and the rest of the Laker bunch. Although it was kinda disappointing to see the melee the fans started outside the arena after the game. I haven’t seen such a fuss since I told the crowd at the Tropicana I wouldn’t be singing any Foghat. Vegas burned long and hard that night, my friends.

So once again, question and answer day is upon us. I know it may seem a little formulaic by now, but with the condition my heart is probably in, it’s best to keep the surprises to a minimum.

Dear Rory,
What are you doing to get ready for the Olympics that are coming up in September?
- Ralph D.
Portland, OR

Ralph,
Nothing. I’ve been saying for years that they should get rid of the Olympics, Winter and Summer. Who the hell cares about who can ice skate the prettiest or jump the farthest? Those are just the basic elements of other, more real, sports. For instance, the 100-meter dash. Anybody goofball can run. Hell, I watch Steve run all the time. The challenge is trying to run and throw a ball through a hoop at the same time. Or ice skate while avoiding body checks and putting a small puck in the net. The one thing the Olympic committee could do to make things a little more exciting is to take the average Joe from each country and have them compete. Those guys that train their whole life are not a true representation of our country. But if you had Joe Budweiser running against Jose Tecate, well, then you would have something.

Dear Rory,
Are you getting ready to walk away into the sunset? Or do you have a few more good years left?
- Stacy K.
Bismarck, ND

Stacy,
I think it’s pretty clear that I used up all of my good years in the ‘60s. But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to quit. You see, unlike a mill worker or government official, there’s no pension system for old celebrities. Believe it or not, being recognized in the parking lot doesn’t pay the bills. On the plus side, I can walk into any restaurant in the country and they’ll have a table ready for me in under 5 minutes. So I think I’ll keep this encore going as long as I can.

Dear Rory,
What happened between you and Freddy Fredderson, The Man of 22 Voices? You two had a great act going way back when.

- Fred F.
Los Angeles, CA

Fred,
The name Freddy Fredderson is dead to me.

Well kids, that’s about the last of the questions for today. What’s that? Oh my god! Folks, Steve has just informed that he discovered Ted Danson passed out in the closet of my guest bedroom. Apparently, the rigors of The Showman’s Celebrity Gone Drinkin’ Contest were a bit too much for that bald bastard to handle. If you’ll excuse me, I gotta get Danson off of my property before his people show up and start asking questions.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman