I Just Shot My Assistant

Greetings, sportfans. Bumpers here. Hello my friends, how the hell are you? The Showman is doing quite well, thank you. I couldn’t say the same about my assistant Steve though.

Let me back up a bit. I took this cute little number to dinner in Santa Barbara. I hear the drive from Los Angeles to Santa Barbara is absolutely beautiful, but I wouldn’t know, because we flew the SportsPage biplane up there instead.

Dinner was fantastic and we washed it down with a few bottles of wine. So, I was half-listening to this girl talk about her dreams of making it big, but in my mind I was thinking how I would like to…well, never mind. Anyway, she thought it would be a good idea to rent a movie after dinner. And knowing that watching a movie is a cheap excuse to hop under a comfortable blanket with a girl, I was more than happy to oblige.

We flew the plane back down to Los Angeles and Steve picked us up at the airport. I had called Steve from the biplane and told him to pick up a movie for us on his way to the airport. When the lady and I hopped in the back seat of the limo, we saw the movie Fight Club was waiting for us. Neither of us had seen it so I had no excuse to chastise Steve.

We got back to my place, popped in the tape and the freakin’ VCR wasn’t working. I tried all my other TVs and it was the same result. The only VCR that worked was the one in my bedroom – Steve had done his job. So the lady and I hopped into bed and watched away.

One hell of a movie that Fight Club. Wow, jam packed with excitement. But in the end, you find out Eddie Norton has a split personality and Brad Pitt (4’ 7" in real life) is actually a figment of his imagination! What a twist! And it got me to thinking; perhaps my assistant Steve is just a figure of my imagination. There was only one way to find out.

I called Steve into my sleeping quarters for some orange juice. When I heard him approaching I reached into my bedside table and got out my gun. I lined that trigger up and was ready to fire. If nothing happened I knew Steve was just a part of my imagination. I pulled the trigger and much to my surprise, the bullet struck Steve in his arm and he bled like crazy.

Wow, did I look like the fool. But don’t worry about the Showman, I was able to convince the police that it was an accident and the gun went off while I was cleaning it. As for Steve, he didn’t get much blood on the carpet so he was able to keep his job.

I’m winkin’ at ya and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman