The Answer Man

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. My lunkhead of a moron of an assistant, Steve, is back in town, fresh off of the vacation I generously gave him last week. I don’t know what happened to him while he was gone, but he has a new haircut and he’s now walking with a limp. I’m sure he has a semi-interesting story about his trip, but once you get him started, he never shuts up, so I’m not even going to ask.

One thing I do know is I have a huge pile of mail sitting here since Steve wasn’t around for a few days. My hardcore fans know that I haven’t handled my own mail since that whole Unabomber thing a few years back, but now that’s Steve here, I can answer some of my fan mail.

Dear Rory,
It seems like the television networks are putting racier and racier stuff on the air every day. What do you think of this trend?
- Jeff P.
Enid, OK

Jeff,
Personally, I love it. I did a brief club tour in Europe in the ‘80s, and I got a chance to take in French television. Wow! They show tons of skin over there. Even in the commercials. It’s fantastic. Also, I like to think that I’m partially responsible for today’s lax standards. For my first appearance on the old Sullivan show, Ed would only show me from the chin up because I was too damn sexy for America’s youth. But by my third appearance, he was showing me from the chest up, which nearly started a riot. Of course nowadays, Dennis Franz can say "ass" on his show, and then show his pasty ample ass. What a wild world we live in!

Dearest Rory,
Please make love to me.
- Ann M.
Pittsburgh, PA

Ann,
Umm, thanks for the request, but I don’t do that kind of thing without seeing the dame first – at least not anymore. I had a pretty bad incident a few years back that I’m still trying to wash from my memory. Send in a picture of yourself, and then we’ll talk.

Dear Rory,
With December 31, 1999 coming up next week, how do you plan to ring in the new millennium?
- Dave G.
Albuquerque, NM

Dave,
As you can see, my assistant is a grade–A dumbass. Why the hell else would he give me this questions six months after the fact? I gotta start searching the classifieds for somebody else.
Well, that’s about it for the questions this week. Steve has a lot of work to catch up on around the estate, and I don’t want to keep him from it for another second.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman