Rory Told You So

The NFL Draft has come and gone. Now that the excitement has died down, I guess we just have to wait for the regular season. Not many surprises in the first round. Cleveland didn’t shock anybody when they took Courtney Brown. The Browns took a guy named Brown. Am I the only one that gets a kick out of that?

I couldn’t help but noticed that the Cincinati Bengals ignored The Showman’s advice and drafted Peter Warrick with the fourth overall pick. Fans of this column will recall that on Friday, I advised the Bengals to draft consummate leading man Harrison Ford, knowing that having Ford in the lineup equals a sellout every week. Not to mention the legions of female fans he’ll bring to each game.

But for whatever reason, Cincinnati did their own thing. If you ask me, they’ll pay the price for it when they’re playing to half-sold venues in week eight. Which got me to thinking. I’ve given all kinds of advice over the years. Some good, some bad. Let’s take a look at some of my best tips, and decide how it turned out.

• Nancy Sinatra is working on an record called "These Sandals Are Made For Walking." I brought a sack of Montecristo sandwiches by for lunch, and Nancy played me the cut. On the spot, I said, "Nancy, great riff, but it needs more punch. Try ‘boots’ instead of ‘sandals’ dollface." RORY’S CALL – GOOD ADVICE
• Jack Kennedy and I are playing golf in Hyannis Port. JFK double-bogeys 17 and 18 to lose the match, and comes off the course hotter than hell. To make things worse, brother Bobby meets us at the 19th hole and tells Jack that the Russkies are starting to aim missiles at us from Cuba. Well, Jack just about hits the roof. He strategized a plan to bomb Moscow back to the Stone Age. Knowing that a nuclear fallout would really cramp my style, I said to Jack, "Let’s get Nikita Krushchev on the phone right now, and straighten this whole mess out." We tried to dial up Moscow for nearly two hours, but we got a busy signal every time. I said, "What are you, kidding me? You guys should have a direct line right to Nikita!" The next week, they installed the red phone. RORY’S CALL – GOOD ADVICE
• More with Jack. We’re enjoying cocktails out in the Rose Garden one night, and he’s staring at the moon like he’s half werewolf. I asked him what’s up, and he guaranteed to me that a man would be trotting around on the moon before 1970. I told him to forget it, it’s impossible. The moon is billions of miles away, and besides, what the hell do you need to go up there for anyway? It’s just rocks. Eight years later, that cat Neil Armstrong changed the course of human history. RORY’S CALL – BAD ADVICE
• I run out for a case of scotch, and for whatever reason, I bump into Chevy Chase. I told him how I just watched Caddyshack and loved it. He asked me what he should work on next, and I advised him to get production rolling on Caddyshack 2 as soon as possible. But this time, add Jackie Mason to the mix. He made some calls and got it made. It bombed horribly. But let’s not forget, I was drunk off my ass when I gave that advice. RORY’S CALL – PUSH
• In the ‘80s this time. Coming off a wicked bender, I pop into my local McDonald’s for a Big Mac because greasy food always helps my hangover. For whatever reason, I get home and forget about the burger. A few hours later, I came back to soggy mess. In a rage, I fired off a letter to McDonald’s saying that they need to keep the hot side hot, and the cool side cool. A few months later, I tried the new McDLT. Jesus, that sucked. But I will admit that the hot side was hot and the cool side was cool. RORY’S CALL - ?

So that just goes to show you, folks. When The Showman gives you some advice, you’d better listen up. Unless it’s bad advice. Then you’re on your own.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman