Rory Talks To His Fans - Clean Version

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. It’s another roly-poly Tuesday, and you know what that means. First off, let get something out of the way. I lost a bet to my good friend and car pool buddy Lorzenzo Lamas over the weekend, and so I promised him I would mention him in an article this week. There! You happy now, Street Hawk?

Moving on, it’s time for a little Q and A session with The Showman. I’ve been bombarded with questions since posting my email address yesterday, so I chose a select few to answer in person. To the rest of you, you’ll be receiving an autographed headshot of The Showman in 8–10 weeks.

Dear Rory,
I join my husband and our two children, ages 13 and 9, for family movie night every Thursday. I was wondering if you had any recommendations on what we should watch this week.
- Carol B.
Worcester, MA

Carol,
I have many favorite movies in all different genres. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention my Oscar-nominated hit, Eggs For Breakfast, Eggs For Dinner, in which I played the down and out card sharp, Jimmy Eggs. But that picture can be hard to find in most video stores. If it’s a rainy Saturday and you have all day, I recommend renting the Porky’s trilogy. You and your husband will love the offbeat, homespun humor of young boys coming of age, and there’s no better way to teach your young ones about the birds and the bees than with ample servings of gratuitous nudity and underage drinking.

Dear Rory,
I’m an 18-year old high school senior whose parents are pressuring her to go to college. But I was thinking about taking a year off to work, or maybe going to Beautician’s School. What should I do?
- Ashley J.
Plano, TX

Ashley,
When I look at all of options available to kids in your shoes, I realize how overwhelming life can be. My advice would be to get a job as a professional athlete. Not only do you make a lot of money, but you only have to work for about six months a year. And on top of that, you’re always in good shape. Which is really important for a teenage girl. Now, I realize that it can be tough to break into professional sports, so I would have something to fall back on, like acting or singing. You can make lots of money in those, too.

Dear Rory,
I’ve always been a big fan of yours, but I’ve been wondering about something for a while. Where were you between 1964 and 1999?
- Chet S.
Philadelphia, PA

Chet,
The Good Lord only knows.

Dear Rory,
My regular golf partners and I were playing for our usual $10 Nassau this weekend, when I saw my partner cheating on 17. His tee shot was stuck behind a tree until he kicked it out into the rough. He then hit his approach onto the green, made the putt and we closed out the match. I didn’t say anything at the time because I wanted to win, but now I feel terrible about it. What should I do?
- Reggie W.
Tallahassee, FL

Reggie,
No need to feel bad, my friend. People cheat all the time. For instance, I once watched Sammy Davis pick up his ball and throw it fifty yards down the fairway. So I ran up to his ball and smacked it into the woods with my 5-iron. I guess we were both guilty of cheating. It wasn’t the end of the world, although it was the end of our friendship. What I’m trying to say, Reggie, is that if you accepted the money after the round, you’re just as guilty as your buddy with the foot wedge. Perhaps even more guilty in some countries.

I’m winkin’ at ya, and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman,