That Time Again

Greetings, sportsfans! Bumpers here. No more worrying, Bumpers is back in town, baby.

I’ll tell you what, if you’re an American you have to like rag time music. I think it is born in each and everyone of Uncle Sam’s kids. That’s why I was so surprised when the wedding party threw that fit when I got out the banjo. I read The Wedding March is totally out in 2000, so I started in on some Dueling Banjos when the beautiful bride started walking down the aisle. That sure didn’t go over well. Oh well, people don’t appreciate raw talent like they used to.

Enough about that. It’s all behind me now. So, on to the questions. Let me reach into this fun bag and see what I find.

Dear Rory,
A lot of famous people endorse all sorts of products. Is there anything you’ve ever endorsed that you now regret?
Jared B.
NY, NY

Jared,
Well, just when I thought I completely buried my mistakes deep in my brain, you’ve helped them to resurface. I can think of two things I endorsed that I shouldn’t have, New Coke and Red China. I thought New Coke was going to be a smash hit and I would ride that gravy train back to the limelight. Unfortunately, it tasted freakin’ awful and it didn’t do a thing for my career. Now, as far as Red China goes, I guess I just wasn’t thinking clearly. The year was 1959 and I was on top of my game. I was demanding the big bucks and if the price was right I would endorse high blood pressure. Anyway, one of Mao’s underlings got to me and for $25,000 I did a 2 minute commercial explaining the ills of democracy and the beauty of a socialist society. At the time we didn’t know what was better, but I guess ol lady Liberty won that battle.

Dear Rory,
I’ve read that society was rather racist in the fifties. Did your race present many obstacles for you during your rise to the top?
Latursha K.
St. Louis, MO

Latursha,
First of all, that’s a beautiful name, sweetie. Secondly, what the hell are you talking about? I’m as white as they come, captain. So, no, my race didn’t affect my rise to the top. However, I feel it was entirely responsible for my crash to the bottom.

Dear Rory,
I know you like your booze and I assume you have a pretty high tolerance. Which of your show biz friends can hang with you when it comes to putting down the sauce?
Ivan V.
Stalingrad, USSR

Ivan,
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. Your letter got lost behind my sofa some years back. Anyway, there aren’t a lot of celebs who can hang with The Showman when it comes to boozing. Johnny Cash can of course. Snoop Dogg is one who has really impressed me as of late. But the one person who can put everyone under the table is that little firecracker Rosie Perez. Holy crap, can she booze.

Dear Rory,
I’ve read your autobiography, but I still can’t get enough of The Showman. Is there any new tidbits of info you can give me that wasn’t mentioned?
Susan Q.
Albert Lea, MN

Dear Susan,
First of all, keep it in your freakin’ pants, lady. Yes, there are a couple things I didn’t mention in my bio. One that comes to mind is, if Indiana Congressman Baron Hill were to die unexpectedly, The Showman takes his place. However, if his death is expected, I don’t. On another note, I was the first person to ever write an unauthorized autobiography. How is that possible? Well, it involves a split personality and a lot of scotch. But we don’t have time to get into that today.

Thanks for sending me your letters, people. I couldn’t do questions and answers without you.

I’m winkin’ at ya and thinkin’ of ya.
The Showman