I can't wait to be Left Behind

Strolling through my local Bristol Farms one evening, I spied a book rack holding The Secret of Ararat, the latest book from the author of the Left Behind series. For those who don't know, this is a series of books about the end of civilization, when all Christians will be in really great shape and the rest of us are boned. The series goes into more detail than that, but basically, if you're flying across the country when the end comes, you'd better hope your pilot is a heathen, or else he'll be sucked up into heaven and nobody will be left to fly the plane. Next stop: hell.

Knowing that this series of books has sold millions and millions of copies to the superstitious and gullible, I opened up to a random page to see what the fuss was all about. Sample dialogue:

Confused friend of girl who was bad but is now earmarked for heaven: "Wait. You don't love your father?"

GWWBBINEFH: "No. I could never impress him. In college, I started experimenting with drugs. But then I realize my other father, Jesus Christ loved me. And everything was okay."

Confused friend of girl: "So you love Jesus Christ too?"

Such natural dialogue! Man, I really thought a book about people mysteriously vanishing up into heaven would've been written above a sixth grade level. Maybe God told him to keep it simple.

But you know who I bet loves this book? Kirk Cameron.